Unrequited
by marauderlyyours
Summary: At Hogwarts, James learned that he loved Lily, and Lily learned to love James. Their romance was cherished and celebrated by all, except one boy, who thought he lost a piece of himself every time Lily gave a part of herself away to James. This is the story of him making choices he shouldn't have made, of someone else's love triumphing over his hate, and watching his love walk away
1. As it begins

Disclaimer: JKR owns everything, including my soul.

 **As it begins...**

He doesn't understand what all the excitement is about. The students around him seem to be breathing electrified air. Their hearts seem to be galloping and leaping to barge into the great hall as soon the door opens. The tight-lipped, stern eyed professor with the taught bun who had led them to the doors is now speaking to them. She is the head of Gryffindor, the murmurs and whispers inform him. He decides her words aren't worth his time. Beside him, Lily Evans is standing rigid with attention. Her green eyes are fixated on the older woman. Her red hair Is tied in a neat pony tail, and her uniform is spotless and without any creases. She is a sharp contrast to his greasy hair, his old and tattered robes, and the frown he wore on his face.

Looking at her, he remembers all the reasons why he has been just as excited as the others around him to begin school. He befriended her about ten months ago, when he saw her perform accidental magic, back in a small neighborhood park in Cokeworth. Her laugh had drawn him to her, it was so innocent, and so full of mirth. She was too good to be brought up around muggles. He introduced her to the wizarding world and she introduced him to a world of kindness and affection. Her parents invited him for meals at home, and she gave him a card for his birthday. She wiped his tears the day his father beat him up, and she called him her best friend, the day her sister stopped speaking to her. Lily Evans' friendship was a plate of food to a boy who had been starving all his life; And The Hogwarts Express was the tunnel he used to escape an abusive home.

The sorting begins, and Severus prays to all the Gods he knows of, that Lily be in Slytherin. The minute Sirius Black marches to the Gryffindor table, he puts his own name in his prayers as well.

"Evans, Lily", Professor Mcgonagall, the lady who had escorted them, calls the seventh name out. Lily throws a nervous glance his way, and walks up to the chair placed at the front of the hall. Her round cheeks are flushed crimson with anxiety. The hat barely touches her head before bellowing "Gryffindor!"

Severus feels his heart sink. His fantasies of how his school years would be are already shattering. She smiles with joy, and her face glows when she hears the cheers of her new housemates, but when her eyes fall on him, she looks almost apologetic. He looks almost resentful.

Everyone at her table is chatting her up, but she keeps turning every now and then to catch his eye and send him a small smile. He lets himself hope that they may still make it.

By the time dinner is served, he mentally drags himself to make conversation with people at his own table. But he cannot keep his mind off the fact that Lily's conversations don't seem to be a drag at all. She is amicably speaking to a blond girl he recalls as Marlene McKinnon and a shabby looking boy with scars on his face. Another first year with a mop of messy black hair and rectangular spectacles pulls her pony tail and ruffles her hair. She playfully bats his hand away. The boy has an arrogant smirk on his face, and Lily rolls her eyes at him.

It was more interesting to look at her, than to listen to the bickering of his fellow Slytherins. Lucius Malfoy, a third year boy rambles about the uncouth nature of Muggleborns, while Bellatrix Black can't stop complaining about how her cousin Sirius would bring shame to the noble name of Black. Her sister Narcissa, who was also a first year, simply nods in vigorous agreement.

The Gryffindors happily enjoy their chocolate pudding , oblivious to all pessimism, and Severus still doesn't understand what the excitement is all about.


	2. First Impressions

**First Impressions**

The year had begun smoothly, he thinks. Lily and Severus have two classes together - Potions and Transfiguration. Professor Slughorn adores both of them, he often says they could consider careers as potioneers. Lily blushes every time, and it's mostly because of the two boys sniggering behind her. As well as things had been settling down, nuisance had been brewing in one corner of the castle.

One cocky-faced James Potter had befriended another arrogant Sirius Black, and all hell had broken lose. Severus hates the sight of them. The boys are nothing but trouble. Everyone thinks they are hilarious, with the little pranks they pull on each other, and the funny names they call people. Severus doesn't think much of them and neither does Lily, to his utter relief. They seem to be the only two people to dislike them. Black and Potter have a sour attitude towards Lily's friendship with him.

Black calls them star-crossed lovers and Potter constantly jeers "Snivelly loves Lily". Lily can ignore them, he can't.

At the end of September, Severus finds a package outside the dungeons with his name on it. It contains a number of muggle hair products and a note that says "There are some things magic can't fix." He can feel them watching him as he picks up the package and disposes it off.

On Halloween, Severus finds himself standing with one foot on the bench, craning his neck to aim for Potter. He tries to levitate Potter, but fails miserably, because Black catches him drawing his wand out, and throws a stunner his way. The Great Hall gasps as Severus topples off his bench. The ghosts of the laughter that follows haunt him.

In November, Severus enters the library and finds Lily sitting next to Potter. Lily's eyes focus on her copy of 'The Standard Book of Spells' before her, while Potter watches her with a bewildered expression, scratching his head. Potter mutters something, and Lily's lips twitch upwards in a smile. Severus decides that the conversation is already too amicable for his liking. He rushes to their table and promptly sets his books down and sits on the chair across from her's. Lily smiles at him, her usual kind smile, and Potter frowns.

"Are you lost Potter?" Severus gets the first taunt in. Potter raises one questioning eyebrow at him, but then shakes his head and directs his words to Lily, "Thanks for your help, Evans. I'll try to figure the rest of it."

Severus is about to ask him to go away when Potter drops a kiss to Lily's cheek and sneers at him "Your girlfriend is actually very nice, Snivellus." Lily's eyes widen with surprise and she is blushing furiously. But it hardly ever takes her over ten seconds to recover from shock. She jumps up from her chair and calls out to him, "Hey Potter!" She sends a quick tripping jinx his way, and even someone as agile as Potter is unable to dodge it. She then walks over to him, to where he is lying face down on the floor, "I am actually really nice," she says airily. Her face is contorting with her effort not to look smug. "I'll meet you here tomorrow, Sev" she nods at him, and with that she collects her belongings, squares her shoulders and walks away.

Severus contemplates what baffles him more, the fact that Lily had finally raised her wand against someone, or the fact that James Potter was, quite literally, rolling on the floor laughing, or the fact that he sees Lily press a finger to her cheek where she had been kissed, as she exits the library.

By January, Black and Potter have waged a war on both of them. While Severus is infuriated by each and every encounter, Potter and Black enjoy every second of it. Lily says nothing as she claims she doesn't want to fuel an already raging fire. Yet every time they prank someone else, she fights them, and they only seem to get more and more amused.

By May, everyone likes Lily and everyone likes Potter. But they hate each other, so something is right in the world. And so, Severus can plausibly say, the year has ended smoothly.


	3. Second Chances

**Second Chances**

Lily now resonates the red and golden, and he resonates the green and silver. But together they are still the colours of Christmas.

Lily and Severus are inseparable, but there is a line, a line he cannot ignore. He is one one side of the line, and on the other side are Marlene McKinnon, Remus Lupin, Alice Fortescue, Frank Longbottom and Mary MacDonald. Lily claims that though they are all her friends, he is her best friend. But Mckinnon is a smart-mouth, Lupin is now best friends with Potter and Black, Fortescue and Longbottom often look at him sympathetically, and MacDonald always makes her disdain for him plenty clear. They are five people who look down upon him, five voices of reason telling her not to be friends with him, five individuals not worth Lily's time.

His own housemates are quite alright, at least in theory, he relates to them. Signum Nott, Caleb Mulciber, and Grant Avery sit with him for lunch and mock the ignorance of all the first year muggleborns. They often discuss the advantages of being from pure blood families, and how it is only natural for them to have more magical power and prowess than these encroachers. A failed attempt at obliviating a muggleborn Hufflepuff in Herbology, makes them realise it's easier to hex the new students than to hex someone of their own year.

Narcissa Black is surprisingly quite the conversationalist when she isn't being vain. She has strong values about family ties and blood loyalty. She is also more disciplined and quieter than the rest. She shares stories with him about the greatness of her ancestors and their struggle to save the the wizarding world - stories she has grown up listening to. Severus cannot help but wonder what went wrong with Sirius.

By new year of 1973, he is quite familiar with the terms "mudblood" and "blood traitors", they are the vernacular in the dungeons. He internally deliberates why Mary Macdonald is a mudblood to him and Lily Evans is a muggleborn. He reasons that every cell in Lily's body is magical, while MacDonald isn't half the witch she is.

Its on an afternoon in March, when he is on his way to the Library to meet Lily right after charms, that he sees them.

Potter and Black, along with their two new sidekicks, Peter Pettrigrew and Remus Lupin, are using the tickling charm on two second year Ravenclaw girls, in the third floor corridor. Really it is only Potter and Black with their wands out, Pettigrew is just laughing hard, leaning against the portrait of the screaming banshee and Lupin is rearranging a bunch of parchments the girls had probably dropped, on falling pray to them. Severus recognizes one of them as the muggleborn Nott had been questioning regarding her lineage the other day.

He decides to pass them quietly, but not before making sure some of the parchments zoom out of Lupin's frail hands and hit Potter smack in the face. All four quit paying attention to the two girls and whip around to face him. The minute Potter sees him, his eyes rage with mischief.

"Are you upset we haven't sent you any gifts lately Snivellus?" Potter smirks.

"Perhaps Snivellus likes to fall on our feet and worship us as Lords" Black snickers pointing his wand towards him.

Severus hears Lupin's exasperated sigh, and decides that if he is going to gain an upper hand in the fight that is about to ensue, his best bet is Lupin, who looks like he has just come from the hospital wing. He swiftly points his own wand towards Lupin and yells 'incarcerous'. A thick rope snakes out of his wand and ties Lupin's legs, causing him to fall on his knees. Potter and Black, who were expecting the attack on themselves, look taken aback. Pettigrew rushes to Lupin's side, the two Ravenclaws are long gone.

"Too scared to pick fights with us, were you snivellus?" Black sneers. He looks genuinely angered, serves him right.

"I'm braver than you lot, jinxing good for nothing mudbloods." Severus spits back.

"Take that word back!" Potter bellows and fires a stinging jinx so fast, Severus is unable to block it. Back on his feet, he send a bat bogey hex Potter's way, but Black lands him on the floor again. Both their wands point at him, and he almost closes his eyes accepting defeat, when a spell from behind him, throws them flying to the wall. He catches sight of Lily's flaming red hair, right after he hears her footsteps stomping towards them.

"Why must you make trouble all the time?" Her voice is so calm, she almost sounds dangerous. All four look unhappy to see her there. They don't want to fight her, their expressions make that clear to Severus.

"Listen Red we..." Black begins, but Lily cuts him off

"I don't want to hear a thing, there are four of you hovering over one person. In what universe is this a fair fight? Moreover, why is there a fight at all?"

"Don't question us like you're our mother," Potter says harshly. "And for the record, only two of us had our wands pointed at him, Pete and Remus didn't do anything. For that matter, neither did we. If you'd just give us a chance to explain, you'll know who to defend and who to question."

"I'm sure you didn't do anything," she gives Remus a cursory, but disappointed glance before continuing, "just like you didn't do anything the day you drenched my robes in pumpkin juice, or the day you put extra beetle eyes in Sev's potion, making it explode, or the day you hid all of Alice's cauldrons on the Astronomy Tower. I'm sure you'll have an explanation, you always do. But you don't deserve a chance to explain."

For a minute they are all silent, but soon enough Potter catches hold of a different line of argument and retorts, "Evans, don't meddle in matters you don't know anything of."

"I have seen enough," she says through gritted teeth, taking one step towards him.

"Well clearly you don't know the way your boyfriend's filthy mouth runs, so you haven't _heard_ enough." Potter takes a step closer as well.

They are both seething at each other, and for a moment, when Potter's wand hand twitches, Severus is sure Potter will hex her. But he only shoves his wand back inside his robe.

"The fact that you have to blame others to excuse your own misbehaviour is plainly pathetic" Lily says, looking straight into his eyes.

"The fact that you'll side with scum, even though you have great friends otherwise is pathetic"

At this, Lily loses her temper, "I'd be friends with the whole of slytherin before I'd ever be friends with you." She points her wand to his chest and murmers the toe nail growing hex.

She turns around and walks away, Potter only stares after her.

None of the notorious lot say anything, except for Lupin who quickly mutters the counter-jinx for Potter. Severus and Lily leave for the library. For some reason, Severus knows they wouldn't use a spell on them, even with their backs turned. They never duel with Gryffindors, they only pull pranks on them or bully them. That's probably why Potter put his wand away, when Lily started arguing with him. Their ironical house loyalty in this matter is laughable.

As they sit in the library, quietly working on the transfiguration essay, he realizes Lily is looking at him from the corner of her eye. The second he raises his head, she goes back to fully focusing on her essay.

Another fifteen minutes pass before she speaks so softly that he almost doesn't hear her, "Sev". She is biting her lower lip, the way she does whenever she is contemplating something. He thinks she isn't going to continue,and she almost doesn't, but then, "Don't ever use that word again." His heart skips a beat. He thought she hadn't heard him. He is always so careful of what he is saying around her. He nods his head slightly, but he is unable to look at her. Her voice had been void of any emotion, it wasn't a plea, it wasn't a command. It was just another chance for his mistake.

Lily is red, Severus is green, and there is a line that is threatening to become more and more prominent.


	4. The Three Worlds

**The Three Worlds**

It's a constant effort, maintaing and separating the three worlds at school. His world, Lily's world, and their world. He wants all three of them to be the same.

Severus utilizes the summer to untangle all the strings in his life. He spends every possible minute of his free time with Lily, checking and fixing the cracks that have appeared in the year gone by. One day, sitting in a park by the lake in Cokeworth, he apologizes. She hugs him, and he knows she has forgiven him. He also knows she isn't close to forgetting anything, any time soon, but for now he has fixed their world.

He reads all the books he saw Malfoy and Bellatrix flipping through during the year, essays on the roots of dark magic and the plight of the adultered Wizarding World, and learning some advanced hexes and jinxes. The wandwork on some of the most useful jinxes is quite simple. A slight flick of the wrist would easily help him grab hold of the fastest of his enemies, and another wave of his hand would be enough to send them flying to the ground from far away. A letter from the ministry isn't enough to curtail his happiness the first time he tries to hex his father and succeeds. He decides to practice as soon as he returns to the castle.

His world is in crumbles as it always has been, but the crumbs seem to be smoothly folding in together. The first time he sees them, he calls Potter's family "filthy blood traitors", announcing to everyone in the corridor, that they were one of the sources of the venemous ideologies spreading from the Ministry. Both Black and Potter are pinned to the ground before they can pull their wands out. Avery, Nott and Mulciber look on, impressed. Lupin and Pettigrew take their wands out and a four on four battles ensues.

Flitwick is the first of the professors to arrive. They all lose ten points each and receive a month of detention scrubbing the castle floors, but he has asserted his place in his world.

The four arrogant toe-rags, as Lily calls them, or rather calls one of them, get their revenge soon enough. It's an immature and philistine act of decorating the Slytherin Common room with mudblood loving posters.

They've started calling themselves the marauders. Their pranking and bullying has peaked. Potter is selected as a chaser for the Gryffindor Quidditch team, and now struts about the castle like he owns the place. Severus sniggers when Lily says she wants to claw her eyes out every time she sees Potter ruffle his hair to make it look like he has just gotten off a broomstick. Severus frowns when she congratulates Potter with a smile on his first victory. Potter is unbearable after that game. It seems the summer had boiled and stirred all their arrogance, and now they are revelling in the novelty of their wasteful thinking and self-claimed brotherhood.

It is in November of that year, that he faces the question he had begun dreading all year. He is sitting in his chair near the fireplace, silently studying a copy of "Dark Arts for survival" that he had nicked from the Library's restricted section, when Avery and Mulciber casually drop to the floor, near his chair. Severus acknowledges their presence and once again turns his gaze to the book before him. However he can't find the place where he left off, and an unpleasant lurch of his stomach tells him that he is about to have problems bigger than that.

Avery is the one who begins the wretched conversation - "Word of the grape vine is that the Dark Lord is recruiting again, this time he is looking for younger blood." His speaks so off-handedly, that he may as well have been talking about the selections for the Slug Club. Mulciber shares his own piece of information, "He already has his eye on Lucius and Bella. I bet my family's name that they'd be marked by the end of their sixth year."

"If you ask me, we finally have a real objective to work towards, a goal to channel all of our education," Avery says in a practiced tone. Severus finally looks up - "Using such intellectual philosophies isn't your cup of tea Avery, why don't you get to the point for which you prepared this speech?"

Avery abandons his neutral expression and sneers. "Both our families want us to join the forces of the Dark Lord, once we're out of here. But in order to be high up in his ranks, we need to catch his fancy."

"You seem to have a knack for hexing and duelling. Teach us. You'll get your share of the limelight too," Mulciber elaborates.

It isn't an offer though. They are telling him what needs to be done. Severus isn't oblivious to the pending recruitments and the wave of the revolution. He has himself deliberated joining the cause several times, but he didn't think he would have had to decide just yet.

"Of course," Mulciber breaks his train of thought, "there is the matter of you sticking with the mudblood Evans." Severus clenches his fists but keeps his expression calm and collected. He has worked hard to garner the awe and respect of his fellow Slytherins, his soft spot for Lily doesn't fall in line with that image. "She is an acquaintance" he says, not willing to lie altogether.

"She should know she shouldn't mingle with her superiors," Avery snorts, "someone should show her her place." Severus is horribly familiar with this statement and its implications. In the past he's helped them show several muggleborns exactly what they think of them. He has to placate them. "She knows her place. She is from my neighbourhood, and was fascinated by my ability. She begged me for my friendship, and I was simply sympathetic. Besides," he averts his eyes, "I think she may prove to be useful someday." He hates the smirks on their faces, he knows they could've only interpreted the worst from his words. But as long as his words keep them from harming her, he decides he'll use them.

"Be careful though, we wouldn't want people getting the wrong idea," Mulciber remarks before both of them get up and leave.

Severus begins to consciously distance himself from Lily in public eye. They sit with each other in the classes they have together, but he barely speaks to her. The students of his year wait excitedly for their first trip to Hogsmeade. She goes with Marlene and Mary, he doesn't go at all. They meet in the library every now and then, and it's easy to slip into the comfort of her kind eyes and awful jokes. He is careful not to spare her more than a glance whenever Mulciber and Avery are watching him intently. He knows he isn't fooling them, but he'd rather not provoke a reaction from them either.

A day before the Christmas break, Severus walks out of his transfiguration class and finds Lily waiting for him. Her eyes are blood-shot red and strands of her hair are glued to her face at places, where surely her tears have just dried out. From the corner of his eyes he sees Nott and Avery coming up, right behind him. He grits his teeth, wondering what to do next. He tries to look anywhere but at her devastated face.

"Sev, can we talk?" Her voice is hoarse. He can feel several pairs of eyes staring at him, like daggers waiting to sever his neck.

"Not now, _Evans_. I'm getting late for class." He responds in as hard a voice as he can muster. He hears her silent gasp of surprise and drowns out the sob she lets out in the noises of the busy corridor.

He spends the entire period thinking about her. Her melancholy face and her emerald eyes, bright with tears. At the end of the class, he excuses himself to the hospital wing, claiming to feel sick. He knows he'll find her by the great lake, and he doesn't waste another second in getting there.

When he reaches the lake, the sight before him stops him dead in his tracks. Lily is sitting on the ground, holding her knees close to her chest, and her head is bent down. Next to her, is Sirius Black, sitting cross legged, picking out blades of grass and tossing them in the lake. He can't believe she would turn to one of _them_ as soon as he momentarily turns his back. Severus moves quietly and hides behind the thick Oak tree near them. He is close enough to hear every word, even as they speak ever so softly.

"Even I was astounded by the change in Reg's behavior when I went home the summer after first year," Black is muttering staring in the distance. "I tried talking to him, tried playing quidditch with him, tried telling him about the pranks we played, he just pretended as if I didn't exist."

"At least he never wrote to you saying that he didn't want you to come home at all." Lily whispers looking up at him. So this is about her sister. Black shakes his head, "he might as well have. I got rather lonely at home. Reg was the only one I ever spoke to."

"How old...?" She begins, but Black cuts her off, probably knowing the direction of her question. "He is at Hogwarts. First year, Slytherin." At this, Lily gasps. He laughs a humourless laugh. "You'll never know I had a sibling."

Severus can't believe she's listening to any of the rubbish Black spits out. Black's thick skull can never absorb the magnitude of Lily's emotions. But Lily looks entirely at home, pouring her heart out to him.

"It was the fast time she wrote to me since I've gotten hear. I am so foolish, I thought she had actually begun to miss me." Her face is plastered with a sad smile. She looks at Black and then sighs, "I guess we'll never know what's worse, the hate or the indifference,". There is a single tear halfway down her cheek. Black reaches out with his left hand and wipes it away, Severus flinches."I know what is better", he says with a small smile. Lily just waits for him to continue. "It's better to have parents that love you unconditionally." Guilt flickers on Lily's face and she opens her mouth, but Black stops her again. "No need to say anything. You lucked out. I'm happy you have their love." Lily looks stunned by his words, unsure of what to say next. She doesn't have to say anything at all.

"Your sister may call you a freak, and there may be names strung carelessly at you here too, but you're a hell of a witch Red, and that means you belong here." His voice burns with sincerity, and Severus has to hand it to him that Black knows how to put up a show. Lily smiles slightly as blood rushes to her cheeks.

"And now, if you feel any lighter, it's time for a canoodle", Black announces loudly. Her surprised gasp turns into a shriek of laughter, as he lunges at her, picks her up, spins her in circles and then wraps her in a tight hug.

"So that's a canoodle?" Lily questions gasping for breath, trying not to laugh, her eyes hazy with dizziness. "Yes", replies Black indignantly, puffing his chest out. "It's what James does to me every time I feel low about my family."

One of her eyebrows have shot up. "Potter _canoodles_ you?"

"Hey, you may have better parents, but I have better friends, Red," Black smirks.

"Severus is a good friend," she says looking at the ground. Severus feels ashamed.

"And James is the best friend one can ever have. But that's an argument we can have some other day," he says nudging her shoulder to shoulder.

"Thank you Sirius," she says, a genuine smile breaking free from her lips.

"Anytime," Black ruffles her hair. "Now how about you and I keep this conversation a secret, and I'll tell James you're doing okay."

"Why would you tell Potter anything about me?" She asks defiantly.

"Well, he saw you crying, and he was concerned. He didn't think you'd like to talk to him, and Remus is... well Remus isn't here, so I came along. Little did he know, I'll relate to you more than anyone else anyway."

Severus doesn't believe a syllable that comes out of Black's mouth. Lily can only gape at him, her eyes have gone wider than ever.

"Take care, Red." Black starts walking back to the castle, and after a moment, so does Lily.

Lily's world had been broken, and Severus only watched as Sirius Black fixed it.

It's a constant effort, maintaing and separarting the three worlds at school. His world, Lily's world and their world. The Three of them can never be the same.


	5. Doubts and Defences

**Doubts And Defences**

His first instinct after watching Lily walk away is to dash to Slughorn's office and have his name added to the list of students staying back for the holidays. Festivals are rather meaningless in a home that doesn't have much to celebrate. Of course, that's what he tells himself. It isn't that he doesn't want to take the risk of running into Lily and facing the consequences of his behavior. Sooner or later, Lily would understand. Academics have always been a priority for both of them, she'd never expect him to miss a class for her. His excuse had been passable. Black couldn't care less about his studies, even if his grades contradicted this statement. Lily knows Severus couldn't rightly deal with her problems just then.

School reopens, and by now Severus has succeeded in pushing the feeling of impending doom to the back of his mind. He resolves to talk to her during the 'History of Magic' lesson they share in the third period. As sure as he is that his father is a Bastard, he is sure that Lily has a big heart. So when the time comes, he simply drops into the empty seat next to her's and greets her with a smile. His heart does somersaults with joy when he realizes that all his bothersome classmates are tucked in, in the last row, they wouldn't be paying any attention to him. At first she looks apprehensive, but then she beams back at him and words flow like an endless river. She tells him all about her holidays and the small Christmas party her parents had thrown. Apparently they had asked about him. Severus cannot stop grinning, a rarity, he can eternally look at her gleaming and comforting face. He wishes the moment would never end.

Five minutes after Professor Binns begins his lecture, McKinnon and MacDonald enter the class. McKinnon scowls at him, and MacDonald looks aghast. Both go unnoticed by Lily, who is still bubbling with stories whilst scribbling notes. McKinnon gives MacDonald a meaningful look, and casually strolls up to the bench occupied by Severus and Lily at the front end of the class room.

"Hey Lil, can you please sit with me on that bench and help me with my Transfiguration essay?" McKinnon says, pointing to the only empty bench in the classroom, five benches away from theirs'. "Mcgonagall will have my arse if I don't turn my essay in today." Marlene McKinnon knows how to lure Lily, acting all helpless. Severus cannot stop himself from glaring at her.

"Oh Mar, I haven't spoken to Sev in so long, can I help you after this lesson? We have a free hour."

"Lils, it isn't all that simple. I want to understand the concept as well. It'll take longer than an hour."

"Oh well, Mar, I guess then.."

"Why don't you ask Potter for help, McKinnon? He loves to show off his supposed talent in Transfiguration. Aren't you two chums?" Severus cuts in, before Lily can oblige her.

Binns is oblivious to the bickering students, just like he is oblivious to the presence of the rest of the class.

"James is catching up on his last night's sleep on his bench, not unlike everyone else." McKinnon's teeth clench as she tries to keep her tone neutral.

When Lily looks from her to Severus, and then back at her, McKinnon begins to insist - "Lily, Please." Even MacDonald seems impressed by her persistence.

"Let's meet by the lake later Sev," Lily mumbles getting up. He can't believe she is actually leaving. He doesn't respond.

As soon as the girls turn to move towards the empty bench, Severus discretely places the voice enhancing spell on them. Ever since Lily's rendezvous with Black, he had found this spell to be somewhat of a necessity. So much so, that during the Christmas break he had gone through the pain of scanning through several books in the library to find an effecient and effective spell. He needs to be aware of all the lies people around Lily, feed her. The girl is so kind and malleable, and that seems to be a popular sentiment today.

"What do you mean you don't need any help?" Lily is whispering, sounding quite confused.

"Really Lils, for someone as bright as you, you should've known Mar was making it up. She's brilliant at transfiguration." MacDonald says with half a laugh.

"Then why am I here?" Lily asks slowly.

There is a pause, and then McKinnon speaks up, "We are concerned."

"Concerned about?" Lily probes.

"You!" McKinnon exclaims.

"And Snape" MacDonald adds with a grimace.

Severus wants to punch them, they should learn to mind their own business. He can imagine the confusion flickering on Lily's face, he doesn't dare to turn around.

"Lily, you are a strong girl with dignity and pride" McKinnon screeches. "You always stand up for what is right, you help those who deserve your help, and you hex those who deserve a glimpse of the end of your wand. You call James and the others out on their bullshit, you don't listen to any of the nonsense those dimwitted purists go about preaching, nor do you let anyone best you in class if you can help it."

"Hell, you even, metaphorically speaking of course, slapped Petunia in the face by going home for the holidays just as you had intended to." MacDonald whispers furiously. They are careful that even those sitting closest to them cannot eaves drop.

"You are an unstoppable force of nature" - McKinnon ends the series of compliments. They are all undoubtedly true.

"I am flattered that both of you think so highly of me." The nervousness echoes from her voice. "I still don't understand, what is the point?"

"You let Snape walk all over you," MacDonald deadpans.

"What?"

"You let him take advantage of your friendship with him. You do as he pleases." It's McKinnon this time.

"You don't know what, or rather _who_ , you are talking about." Lily's tone is flat, she wants to evade this argument.

"You forget I spent New Year's Eve at Potter Mansion, and Sirius is always there." Marlene says, now softer than before.

"What did Black say?" She's angry now, Severus can feel the glares that must be blazing from her eyes.

"He didn't say anything Lily. He just asked us to check on you, and write to you often while you're at home. Your _best friend_ stays two streets away." MacDonald is trying to calm her. "It didn't take us long to put two and two together."

Severus uses all his energy to sit still. Black is nobody to talk about Lily, she doesn't need him worrying about her.

"We haven't said a word all these years." Severus has to stop himself from snorting at McKinnon's blatant lie. "The way he has been treating you is unacceptable. He abandons you when he deems fit, and he talks to you whenever it takes his fancy." Severus can feel his heart beat faster, he holds fast on to the edge of his bench, listening hard for her response.

"Sev is not my nanny," Lily starts hotly. "He is around when he can be. It's not easy having friends who do not like each other. You should know that better than anyone, given my equation with Potter." Another pause. "I know my rights, and I know my friends."

"Lils, we didn't mean to offend you." The voice is so hushed, he doesn't know which one of them is it. "We just don't want to see you get hurt."

"I know," Lily sighs. For a moment he worries she's falling for their manipulative words, but Lily is steadier than he gives her credit for - "I know you don't trust him, but you should trust my judgement."

Silence.

"I know you worry for me, but I can take care of myself. Severus is my friend, and he is a good person who has seen some ugly circumstances. Give him a chance."

Severus wants to hug her, cry to her, apologize to her, but he stays mum in his seat.

"Alright Lils, if you say so." McKinnon doesn't sound convinced at all.

Severus waves the spell off. Lily is still his best friend, and her loyalties and heart still lie with him.

He spends the rest of the day content at heart.

Severus seldom learns his lesson. Life has never really allowed him to be happy for a long time. Later that night, he is perched on his bed, scrambling in his bag for his quill, when he finds the scrunched up parchment ball. He retrieves it from the bag and flattens it on his bed. It's a moving sketch of a messy-haired, bespectacled boy on a broomstick throwing a Bludger at a skinny boy in tattered robes. Right below the part where the skinny boy falls face down on the ground, there is a note in large, rough letters - "Treat her right, Snivellus".


	6. Foes come Fourth

**Foes Come _Fourth_**

The fighting has become incessant. There are students from three years below theirs' and students from three years above theirs', yet all anyone walking down the castle corridors can talk about, are the infamous rows between Lily Evans and James Potter.

The first time it happens, Severus is a witness. Lily and Severus are walking back from their potioneering session. They'd begun meeting often in an unused classroom on the second floor to practice brewing some advanced potions. Slughorn had been more than happy to provide them with the necessary paraphernalia.

Severus hasn't even noticed them lounging on a windowsill overlooking the Quidditch pitch, until Lily excuses herself to talk them. He doesn't understand what on earth could make her approach _them_ herself. Perhaps she has to deliver a message, or borrow a book from Lupin. His train of thought is broken by the her shouting -

"What, in the name of Merlin, makes you think" - Lily starts of slowly and then fires words at the speed of light - "that you can change the password to the common room, and keep everyone waiting outside?"

Potter stands up unperturbed by her hollering. He pretends to look thoughtful. "Well, of the top of head, I think my irresistible charm and my smooth conversation skills made me think that I _can,_ in fact, convince the Fat Lady to _change the password to the common room and keep everyone waiting outside."_ His arrogant smirk never fails to surface.

"You are such a bloody prat!"

"Oh, Evans is swearing, interesting.."

"You Berk, no one could get in or out of there for hours!"

"Aw, Lily flower, did I keep you from your books?" The nerve of him, he pouts at her.

"Potter. McGonagall and Dumbledore almost left a meeting with the Minister of Magic, to fix the mayhem you had managed to create."

"They didn't actually leave, did they?" He then grins at Black "Otherwise I'm gonna start thinking I'm more important than the Minister of Magic himself."

Lily is clenching her fists. A crowd of ten to fifteen students has gathered around them. Masses are quick to pick sides, and Severus is hardly ever their favorite. He decides he'll step in if any wands are drawn out, for now, Lily can handle Potter.

"Why would you do something so imbecile, Potter?" It's obvious Lily is using all of her energy in keeping her voice low.

"Blimey, Why would I answer you Evans?"

"Because I'm asking you!" Lily is all wound up now

"Are you a Professor?" Potter retorts

"No but..."

"Are you the Head girl?" He cuts in again.

"What?"

"Are you a prefect?"

"Have you lost it?"

"Well if you can't take any points, I'd best be off."

"Potter" - The warning is crystal clear in her voice.

His back is already turned when he responds "You should get back to the common room too Evans, you don't want to be locked out again."

"Fuck you, you great blighter!" Lily shrieks, before lunging at Potter and tackling him to the floor.

Black bursts out laughing, while the rest of the audience gasps. Severus himself is a bit bewildered, he has never seen anyone rouse such a reaction out of her. He cannot help but notice how pretty she looks, smashing the face of his nemesis - her hair all frazzled, and her cheeks red with fury.

The five words, and the five seconds that she smacks him while he is lying flat on the ground, are all it takes for everyone to conclude that James Potter brings the worst out of Lily Evans.

That's the first of the many rows to come.

Severus witnesses only few of them and hears about the rest. Some of the encounters end harmlessly, with just a few hexes and jinxes shooting out of Lily's wand, others have her resorting to physical means and using various objects as projectile weaponry. Potter only defends himself, he probably knows he can never match her in a duel. When she is kicking and throwing punches at him, he simply waits for someone to pull her off him, hitting a girl would afterall tarnish his reputation. The spectators always know better than to intervene.

Potter never holds back in a verbal exchange though, he knows how to hit a nerve with her. He can get her blood boiling by simply running his fingers through his stupid hair.

The teachers have begun to get exasperated of their squabbles, but Severus is happy to hear her complain about Potter all day. He knows the boy is absolutely reckless and pathetically conceited.

"It's not just that he is a bullying toerag, he takes pleasure in other's misery. I'm not suggesting that he is a sadist, but he is no Fairy God Mother either. He is so pompous, you know? I wish God had blessed me so generously with such natural abilities. When does he even study? Do you think he bribes the Professors for better grades? Mar told me his family is extremely wealthy. No. That's low, even for Potter. Maybe his luck is just really good, that arse. Remus keeps praising him, but I don't see it - there isn't a microscopic bit of humility or kindness underneath that hubristic persona. And every time, every time his fingers creep towards his hair, I swear, I want to pull my own hair out. He thinks he is a Quidditch prodigy, though I'm sure Gryffindor has had better chasers. It doesn't help, that they haven't lost a single match since he's made the team. But if someone doesn't deflate his fat bloated head soon enough, it's going to explode some day." Lily has often repeated this uninterrupted monologue, but it's music to his ears. This deepened enemity might just be one of the best developments of Severus' time at Hogwarts.

He recalls the first time Lily had frowned at Potter with distaste. It had been towards the end of their first year. Lily had been trying for days and she still couldn't manage to transfigure cutlery into rodents. Her academic ego was rather bruised. Potter had seen her struggle in class. He marched into the Great Hall, at dinner one day, and transfigured Lily's goblet into a rat, just as she was about to drink her pumpkin juice. "Ah Bollocks Evans, looks like you don't know how to do everything, after all" - He had smirked at her, and she just helplessly glared at him. She vowed to prove him wrong. The next day, she had levitated Potter's spectacles and sent them flying out of the window. His friends hadn't helped him retrieve them either.

Since then, their encounters have come to a point where they merely look at each other and then either banter, or argue, or shout.

The last chip on Severus' shoulder is dusted off when Nott randomly states that they needn't bother with Evans, the fool Potter is enough to keep the mudblood on her toes. The fourth year Slytherin boys spend their time tormenting the younger muggleborn students who definitely do not show any promise. It is appalling how they are allowed to be considered equivalent to those from magical families, in spite of their limited knowledge about the wizarding world. Severus is happy to join his mates whenever he can. It's a good testing ground to try all the new spells he comes across. Malfoy gives them tips on being discrete. It's important to identify and obliviate the students most likely to run off to Professors. It's better to target students that lie in the outskirts, as they don't attract any attention. Lastly, they must strike the students, regardless of their blood status, who are most likely to be convinced of their propaganda. All three requirements strike off Lily's name from the hit list, and with that everything is in place.

It's an uncharacteristically sunny afternoon in January. Severus is on his way to the Great Lake for some peace and quiet, when he overhears her name. His head whizzes to the left where he sees the Marauders sprawled on the grass against the castle wall. Severus moves closer and hides himself just enough so that he can still see them. He uses the voice enhancing spell, which is turning out to be extremely handy.

"Blimey James, why would you want to get Lily a present?" Lupin says

"Well it is her birthday, isn't it?

"Yes, but what does that have to do with you? You hate her."

"I don't hate her!" Potter exclaims.

"Then why are you always taking the Mickey out of her, mate?" It's Pettigrew

"Because that's what we do. I don't like her, but I don't despise her either. I mean I am justified, aren't I? When we fight, she often amuses me. She just isn't any fun otherwise."

"Lily is plenty fun if you come to know her James." Lupin admonishes.

"Merlin's right foot, she is hilarious. She always has me rolling on the floor when she attacks you. It's like watching a kitten scratch and claw at an elephant." Black sniggers.

"True. For a fifteen year old bloke, I have more scars than I have love bites." Potter pretends to lament.

" _Almost_ fifteen" Pettigrew corrects.

"And you have no love bites" Black adds.

Potter smacks them both on their heads.

"You _not_ hating her, is still not reason enough to give her a birthday gift", Lupin points out.

"I gave Bellatrix a gift for her birthday. I definitely dislike her more than I dislike Evans. Though I'm unsure which one of them scares me more - "Potter trails off.

"You gave Bella a carefully selected box of all the horribly flavoured Bertie Bott's beans, including the ear wax ones" Black guffaws. "That too, because your Aunt Pheona insisted you be nice to your extended family."

"Those are all minor and superfluous details" Potter mumbles.

"Be as that may be, it still doesn't explain why you would want to buy Evans a birthday present. It's understandable if Remus, or even Sirius, does it, but..." Peter starts rambling, and frustration flushes over Potter's face.

"I dont know, alright? I saw an emerald pendant last week in Hogsmeade and the first thing that crossed my mind was the colour of her eyes. I thought she might like it. I don't see what the big deal is about being nice to someone for their birthday".

Potter's words disturb Severus, but not as much as Black's next question does.

"Last week, when you went to Hogsmeade on a date with that fit bird from Ravenclaw, you were thinking about Evans' eyes?"

They are all looking at him incredulously.

"How do you even know the colour of Evans' eyes?" Pettigrew asks dumbfounded.

"What?"

They are all quiet, still staring.

"It's nothing extraordinary. I spend half my day, literally, standing in her face, arguing with her, and the green jumps out in contrast to her skin."

"Her skin?" Black is almost choking on his words now.

Severus doesn't have the stomach to hear the rest of this conversation. Why does Potter want to be nice to be Lily? They are suppose to hate each other, and nothing else. There is no implicit understanding or camaraderie between them. After all, the fighting is incessant.


	7. Pesky Proposals

**Pesky Proposals**

He is looking, no, staring at her again. Potter had been staring at her all morning in the Great Hall and now, in class, he is staring at her again. Severus and Lily have taken their usual seat at the front of the class for potions, the only class they have together. Much to his annoyance, Potter and his irksome friends come and sit in the next row, on the bench diagonally across theirs'. Lily pays little heed to their proximity and goes about brewing her potion, unperturbed by their mischievous tendencies. Severus, however, isn't as frivolous as her, probably because, off late all of Potter's pranks have been directed only towards him. Of course Lily always stands up for him and supports him when he picks fights with the prat, but Potter laying off Lily is a recent phenomenon.

The Marauders prank her as much as they prank anyone else in the school, bullying toerags that they are, but there is nothing that causes her a trip to the Hospital Wing, or even anything more than a frown on her face. He decides on watching Potter like a hawk. Maybe he is bored of sparing her, and is now observing her habits to plot an elaborate and humiliating attack.

Something is odd though. Black is generally a part of the schematics; but he is guffawing at something Marlene McKinnon has whispered to him from the bench behind them. Moreover, it seems that Potter is unaware of what he is doing. From his seat, Snape can make out Lupin speaking to Potter, and it isn't until Lupin has repeated himself thrice, that he catches Potter's attention.

The lesson is rather uneventful, but its just the lull before the storm. At the end of the hour, Severus and Lily help Slughorn clear out all the unused ingredients and keep the apparatus back in place. By the time they've ended their discussion on the new research on the Wolf's Bane potion with the Professor, a considerable amount of time has passed.

When they walk out of the dungeons to the corridor leading to the stairwells, they find that a full fledged war is one the verge of breaking out.

Marlene McKinnon and Alice Fortescue are standing protectively in front of Mary MacDonald, who looks ready to explode. Avery, Nott, and Mulciber are standing across from them, maliciously sneering.

"What the ruddy hell is going on?" Lily exclaims. Her eyes are focused on the six people before her and she is rapidly charging towards them. She never realizes that Severus isn't following her.

Severus feels like his feet have been nailed on to the floor as he stands rigid on his spot. Lily is about to get involved, right in the thick of things, and if he does get involved, he would have to explicitly pick a side. The only way he can placate the boys, is by deriding Lily and her friends - something enough to give the boys the satisfaction of having proved the girls inferior to them. That isn't an option, not when Lily is present to hear every word.

It's a flight or fight decision. He can neither fight Lily, nor can he fight for Lily. So he choses to escape. He slips into the broom cupboard near him and hides. He leaves the doors slightly ajar, leaving him with a good enough view of the ensuing battle.

Nott is the first to see Lily approach them "Well, well, gentlemen," he frowns, We have been disgraced with the presence of yet another mascot of muggleborns."

"My eyes hurts every time I have to see your big head Nott, you don't hear me complaining," Lily shoots back.

"These bastards sent an owl to Mary's family that says Mary isn't allowed to study at Hogwarts anymore because she supposedly isn't good enough. Thankfully Mary's parents noticed that these nimbwits hadn't used the official Hogwarts seal on the letter, so the message wasn't really from Dumbledore or any of the staff" - Alice explains.

Lily's eyes widen in horror, and then narrow in fury. "Oh Merlin's messengers, why would you do something so deplorable as to write the letter?" She scathes at Nott, Avery and Mulciber. Severus had seen them write that letter, in fact he had even edited some parts to make the note sound like it was written by a teacher.

"Hate to break it to you Evans, but people in your position generally don't have the right to complain. Snape is a saint for taking pity on you." Mulciber's thin lips are pressed into a line.

Lily's eyes flicker for a moment, she is finally aware of Severus' sudden absence from the scene.

"I would think a devil is sitting on his shoulder, saints would never associate themselves with the likes of you." McKinnon spits out. Severus can only shake his head.

"You wish you could be associated with the likes of us." Avery retorts.

"Their witty remarks are always so endearing" Lily sarcastically smiles at the girls. "Really Avery, were you always this intelligent or have these two rubbed off on you?" Her sweet expression is dangerously deceiving.

"Don't think you can get clever with me, _mudblood_."

Lily rolls her eyes at the obvious and unimaginitive attempt Avery made to insult her. She is about to retort, when suddenly a jet of red light comes from behind her hitting Avery square in the chest.

"Wash your mouth with soap some day Avery, it would do some good to your vocabulary." Potter clucks his tongue against his cheek as he steps into view, his cronies right behind him.

Lily turns her head to face Potter so fast she may have snapped her neck. "Oh bloody baron's soul, who asked you to - "

She never does complete her sentence because from the corner of her eye she sees Nott fire a hex towards Potter and she deflects it swiftly but easily. Potter is stunned at her quick reaction, but he doesn't have much time to ponder upon it, because suddenly spells are flying everywhere.

MacDonald and Fortescue have taken on Mulciber, Nott is throwing hex after hex on Potter, and McKinnon and Avery have each other's necks. Lily deflects all spells she can, off herself and off the Gryffindors, but she isn't attacking anyone. As usual, Lupin and Pettigrew stay out, because Lupin never wants to fight and Pettigrew cannot fight.

Nott fires a bat-bogey hex at an unsuspecting McKinnon, but Black trips him from behind and the spell misfires to hit the wall. Black takes over from Potter and starts dueling Nott. Fortescue has managed to tie Mulciber down, while MacDonald is furiously scribbling a letter intended for his parents. Avery manages to distract McKinnon and Black long enough for Nott to set Mulciber free. A newly infuriated Mulciber is much more vigorous and formidable, but the girls hold their ground.

Fortescue gets hit by a horn-tongue hex and hurling hex simultaneously. Lily loses her temper. She asks MacDonald to take the distressed Fortescue to the Hospital Wing and then disarms Avery, Nott and Mulciber in three quick movements. She catches all their wands in one hand and Black smirks - "You'll make a good seeker, Red."

Lily doesn't bother to respond to him. Instead she turns to the Slytherins and waves their wands at them - "Let me make the math simpler for you berks. There are 6 wands here and none with you. Even on your best day you wouldn't stand a chance against us."

"Get your filthy hands off my wand, mudblood, or else you'll pay for it" Nott snarls.

"Do yourself and favour and run off to sulk in the dungeons and I will return your wands to - " Lily begins, but Potter has already hit all three of them with 'Engorgio' causing their heads to swell to double their size and then to continue growing. Wandless, they have no option but to get away from there.

Potter is bubbling with laughter at the sight of them, when Lily takes him by his shoulder and turns him to face her. Her petite frame against his tall and lanky one, makes her look half his size.

"Why did you pull your wand out, Potter?" Despite her small body, she has him cowering with the incandescent blaze in her green eyes.

"Why are you shouting at me? They're the ones-"

"Did we ask for your help?" She glares at him.

"Why should you have to ask-"

"Did it look like we needed help?" She's crossed her arms across her chest, and is tapping her foot impatiently.

"Evans, it's not about- "

"Or did you just assume that since there were two muggleborns on our side, we wouldn't-"

"Hey! That's uncalled for Evans." Potter too is yelling now. "I have no doubt that you alone can take all - "

"Don't cut me off Potter, I wasn't done talking."

Severus sniggers to himself. Lily can often be more commanding than she looks. He loves that she can squeeze and shrink Potter's big head with one hand. Potter can only stare at her in disbelief.

"How are you any better than them Potter? Why are you constantly trying to provoke-"

"I didn't provoke anyone! He called you a -"

"I said, don't cut me off." Lily is speaking through gritted teeth. Everyone else is oscillating their heads from her face to his, waiting for yet another explosive showdown. "Who cares if he called me a mudblood?" Potter visibly cringes when she blatantly says the word out loud. "Nott's slimy mind isn't in control of who I am. I know my worth very well. Moreover, you are nobody to jump into my fights. I was managing the situation, trying to resolve things amicably until - "

"Amicably?" Potter scoffs.

Lily's eyes are blazing with fury now, and she's clenching her fists. The fight is approaching its usual climax. "I swear on Agrippa, if you cut me off one more time, I will strangle you with my bare hands." She waits for him to dare to say something, but he remains silent, though he doesn't look even slightly ruffled. Lily takes three deep breaths before continuing -

"Every time you hex them for your amusement while there are disputes over blood purity, you simply trivialize the issue at hand. Maybe you don't understand how deeply this kind of racism effects some people, or maybe you do understand it and are generally tactless in fighting it. But Potter this isn't, first and foremost, your battle, and by unnecessarily intervening, you are just showing them, that muggleborns are in fact defenseless and inferior to pure bloods. Don't create more trouble than there already is. Some messes cannot be fixed, but don't tangle them more. Am I getting through your thick skull Potter?"

Everyone is silent, waiting for Potter to begin a barrage of arguments in his defense, pouring out a speech that would counter Lily's word for word, but he never does. Instead, Potter says seven words that no one in a million years could've predicted he would -

"Evans, go out with me to Hogsmeade?"

Severus almost falls out of the broom cupboard. His face pales and he needs to grip on the shelf for support. McKinnon claps a hand to her mouth, and the only other sound that is heard, is Black whispering to Lupin - "Did she, at some point, hit him and crack his head?"

Lily is blinking rapidly, staring at him, her jaw has literally, and considerably dropped. Potter too doesn't take his eyes off her. He is opening and closing his mouth like a fish - He hadn't expected himself to say these words either.

Lily's continued silence and stunned expression gives Potter time to recoup his swagger. He runs his fingers through his messy mop of black hair and cockily says "Don't stare at me like I'm standing starkers before you, Evans."

That's enough to snap Lily out of her reverie, she ignores him all together and looks at Lupin "Has he gone completely bonkers?"

"At least answer me before talking to other blokes, Evans" Potter steps into her line of vision again. Severus rolls his eyes at Potters's puerile lines, but inside he cannot bring his heartbeat to slowdown.

"No, Potter! Obviously, No!" Lily shrieks.

"No, you wouldn't answer me, or no, you wouldn't go with me to Hogsmeade?" Potter prods.

"Potter," Lily speaks as if she is trying to calm a hysterical child, "I wouldn't even let you walk me back to the common room."

"But will you go to Hogsmeade with me?" Potter presses, feigning impatience.

Lily is speechless. Over the years, she has learnt to deal with all of Potter's rubbish, but this time he's hit her with a whole new bleeding bludger.

This lunatic situation has gone on long enough already, and no one has had the good sense to put a stop to it. Severus steps out from the cupboard, and rushes to stand between them. "She'll never say yes to an arrogant bastard like you Potter. What are you trying to pull?" he spits out.

"Oh Sirius, look!" Potter finally looks away from Lily. "The Slyther-bins left one of their tails" He taunts.

Behind him, Severus hears McKinnon faintly mutter "I wonder where he came from."

"How is it Snivellus, that you look just as vapid even when Evans is radiating brilliance around you?" Potter grins at Lily. The compliment makes her grimace. Severus cannot help but notice that her expression is equally unkind towards both of them.

"Well we obviously don't fraternize as much as you and Black do, each making the other more unbearable."

"Thank heavens for that, we wouldn't want Lilykins to run out of hair products."

"Bugger off Potter!" Lily has finally found her voice. "I don't know what your true intentions are, but let me spell it out for you - No, I will not go out with you to Hogsmeade. Don't get this obtuse idea ever in your head again." Lily takes McKinnon by the hand and storms out without sparing any of them another glance.

"Red - 1, Jamesie - 0" Black announces.

Potter asks her out again that evening in the common room. Then again, the next day. Once more two days after that.

He never leaves her alone, he is always following her. Sometimes he charms her hair a shade of green, a green that suspiciously matches the exact colour of her eyes. Sometimes he leaves Lilies on her desk. Sometimes he mocks her for hanging out with Severus. Sometimes he can't speak when she's standing in front of him.

It's all just an inane attempt at pestering Lily. Potter knows his pickup lines rile her up more than anything ever has in the past.

"Evans, Did you survive Avada Kedavra? Because you are drop dead gorgeous."

"I'll crucio your arse Potter."

"The sorting house saw my destiny, and knew I was meant to be in your house."

"I'd pay Dumbledore all my family's money to have myself sorted in a different house."

"Evans, is your smile Expelliarmus, because it completely disarms me?"

"I tend to smile while I plan on mutilating someone."

"My love for you burns like a Phoenix Evans"

"When are you catching fire Potter?"

Severus feels his heart leap with every one of Lily's rejections. There have been twenty three so far. The whole school is aware of the figure as Black has been keeping score, and Lupin and Pettigrew have begun a betting pool. Potter is relentless and Lily puts up a fierce fight. Potter's new games are gauche and juvenile. Severus is unnerved by his persistence. He knows it's all meaningless. But there is something gnawing at his heart from the inside - Potter is always looking at her. Potter is always looking at her, sometimes just like Severus does.


	8. Patrols and Paranoia

**Patrols and Paranoia**

They don't have any classes together this year. It's the silver lining to the dark clouds shadowing their friendship. Two years ago, he would have sulked over this to no end, but now it's eight hours a day being trouble free. Eight hours a day that he doesn't have to hear Potter hit on Lily; Eight hours a day that he doesn't have to worry about Lily being targeted by his classmates; Eight hours a day that he doesn't have to make any choices.

Their energies are channeled in different directions too. Severus had received several letters and a visit from Antonin Dolohov over the summer. His abilities had been termed as impressive. The death eaters wanted him, and they warned him that he had to be worth their desires. He begins training himself in Occlumnecy and Leglimency, which in itself proves to be an exhausting feat. Exhausting, but helpful. It's like a sixth sense he never had, protecting him and letting him tread dangerous waters. Lily is geared towards excelling in her OWLs. She is borderline pedantic when it comes to her academics. The stress is visible in the constant crease that is always marring her forehead.

They've both been selected as prefects. Positions of responsibility in times of war tend not to be boons. The conflicts breaking across the castle are heinous and horrific. Almost every second day a student makes their way to the Hospital Wing. There are arguments and duels in every corner of the school. Neither any place, nor any student is spared. Lily and Severus often find themselves on opposite sides of the quarrels. It's a soft blow to their hearts every time their judgements mismatch.

It's all tearing them apart. Bit by bit, he can feel the shreds of their friendship fall away like Autumn leaves. Every conversation is a little more distant, and every glance is a little more hard.

They are both equal and opposite forces of values and beliefs. The difference is that Lily has strong threads that are holding her steady, while the only thread of support he has, is on the verge of snapping. Lily and McKinnon are now close as sisters. McKinnon is proving to be a band-aid on all the wounds Petunia inflicts on her. While McKinnon acts like her elder sister, Lily has stepped into the same role for Mary MacDonald.

Since the beginning of the year their friendship had been fragile. Severus knew his continuous abstinence from taking a stand against the purists had been nagging Lily. She hadn't said anythin yet, but the uncomfortable silences spanning over their small conversations told him that they were just walking around the elephant in the room.

It comes up suddenly, when he least expects it. It's their first trip to Hogsmeade. Severus is in Scrivenshaft's Quill Shop, restocking his supplies for school when he sees the unmistakable streak of bright red hair. "Lily?" he calls out before he can stop himself. He catches her off guard and she drops the bottle of black ink in her hand, splattering it on the floor. She begins apologizing to the shop owner, using _scourgify_ to clean up the mess she made.

"Lily," Severus speaks again to get her attention.

Lily looks up and inhales deeply - "Hello, Sev. I haven't seen you around in a while."

"Well, you know how it has been, what with all the pressure of OWLs and -"

"I expected that we will study together, help each other out." She looks at him biting her lip, he can only look at the ground.

"Of course. Our schedules have been so busy, I've been meaning to -"

"I'm glad I ran into you, Sev. It gives us a chance to talk."

"You are?" Severus feels like a huge weight has been lifted of his shoulders. She had been waiting to talk to him too.

"I have been meaning to discuss a few things with you. Let's walk?"

Severus nods, and they walk out of the shop together into a quiet alley.

"Sev, I have always respected the fact that you have friends other than me, just like I do"- She begins. "I know you detest Marlene, Mary and Remus just as much as I dislike your company."

"McKinnon and the others always have an agenda against me Lily, they've always tried to break our friendship. They are jealous of you having something special, just like your sister was" - Severus says the words he has long been holding back.

Lily pauses, probably stopping herself from saying what she really wants to.

"Be as that may be, and I am not saying they do any such thing, they will never try to intentionally harm you or any of your friends. I can hardly say that about any of your lot," she scowls.

"Who are you talking about Lily?" He wishes he wouldn't sound so exasperated.

"Mulciber! What do you see in him, Sev? He's creepy. Do you know what he tried to do to Mary the other day?"

"I don't know what you're talking about Lily." He knows exactly what she's talking about. Mulciber had had several questions about the Imperius curse that night.

"I was patrolling the corridors with Amos Diggory a fortnight ago. We were almost done, we weren't even going to look in there - " She gulps as she recalls the incident. "We found Mary in a class room. Her sobs were so audible, we had to look. Her robes were torn, she had cuts all over her body, she was-' Lily is tearing up trying to continue. "He assaulted her and got away scot free."

"I'm sorry about what happened to her Lily. But I'm sure it wasn't Mulciber." Severus cannot look at her as he says this.

"You're sure? Really, Sev? Well, I am sure too. She said it was him."

"Lily he couldn't have gotten away with an act like the without any consequence. She may have been distressed by the trauma, or maybe she was confounded."

Lily stops dead in her tracks and turns to face him. "Funny, that's exactly what Mulciber said when McGonagall confronted him."

Of course he did. Severus had advised Mulciber on covering his tracks. Lily is quick to catch on to such minute details. "Thats probably because it's the only possible explanation Lily."

"Severus, he threatened to murder her family if she complained to the Professors. Do you think she imagined that as well? The only reason he hasn't been expelled yet is that there wasn't enough proof. McGonagall wasn't happy at all, she almost suggested Mary use the cruciatus curse on him. Dumbledore stopped her" she grimaces. Evidently, Lily agrees with McGonagall.

"Its a very serious allegation" Severus says now knowing what else to say.

"Severus you cannot deny the very real possibility that it is all true. And it's not just Mulciber. The other day Remus caught Bellatrix teaching Regulus Black some very dark magic on first years. Avery supposedly has been consistently owling death eaters about the "situation" at Hogwarts. Notts father is being hunted down by the ministry ever since those muggleborns at Diagon Alley were murdered. And Malfoy - "

"You're only repeating what people have told you. There's no knowing if there's truth to any of it." Severus stonewalls the accusations.

"Sev. People are not telling me this, the Daily Prophet is. They want people like me out of the Wizarding world. How can you be friends with them?" She asks incredulously.

"You are friends with people who'd rather not have me around." Severus retorts.

Lily's lips are pursed.

"Lily, what they think of you has nothing to do with what I think of you." He softens his tone.

"Sev, they aren't good people."

"Who are we to judge them?"

"Sev, why can't you - "

"You're saying these things because we haven't gotten enough time together. It's just insecurities haunting your thoughts. We should spend more time together, you'll know nothing is wrong on my end. You were right, we should be studying together for the OWLs. We always do everything together, don't we?" Severus is himself impressed by the conviction in his voice. Lily can only nod.

Its his first patrol after the Christmas break. The chilly weather has him continuously rubbing his arms and holding them close to his chest. His shift had ended about an hour ago, yet he is lingering in the corridors, curiosity keeping him away from the warmth of his covers. It's a full moon night. He had been waiting for this opportunity for months, all he needed was a chance to have the castle under his surveillance on such a night.

The Marauders have been acting suspiciously since the beginning of the year. No one seems to have taken much notice of the weird nicknames they've starting calling each other. In the eyes of the student body, it's just another cute attribute of brotherhood. It always has been common knowledge that Lupin's mother suffers from some kind of ailment that requires him to visit home every month. Though, it may just be a story woven around his periodic disappearances. All these years, it has been only Lupin, who mysteriously vanishes from the school grounds and reappears two days later with scars and bruises - marks that cannot be explained by any ailment.

In September, Severus had noticed that Potter, Black and Pettigrew were missing along with Lupin. They were quiet and sleepy all through the next day, and rather pleased and ecstatic all through the next few weeks.

By October he had realized that there was a pattern to these disappearances. It is always the night of the full moon. Knowing the marauders, it could just be a childish tradition of adventures they had started, sneaking out to Hosgmeade or elsewhere. But Severus finds it hard to believe that Lupin does so even when the full moon is a night before the Defense Against the Dark Arts test.

By November everyone knew that the bastards know their way around the castle better than the professors and the ghosts. Their pranks had gone up a notch. They would release a dungbomb in the dungeons and then would be found in the Gryffindor common room two minutes later. It was practically impossible for them to have travelled that fast, and they couldn't have apparated under any circumstances.

By December, it was clear to Severus, that the disappearances have more weight to them than being mere joy-trips. None of them go back home for the vacations, and for the first time in five years they miss the famous New Year's Ball at Potter Mansion. It's no coincidence that the night of Christmas eve is a full moon.

And now, it's the full moon in January. He is sure he will catch them today. He had tried to discuss the matter with Lily, especially the abstrusness of Lupin's situation. She was mildly angered when he suggested Lupin may not be entirely human. Those scars look animalistic. She insisted that all that mattered was that he was a gentleman and they should keep out of his private concerns. Lily and Lupin's bond had deepened over the last few years, making her increasingly fond and protective of him. They are close enough to make Potter jealous at times. Severus is sure that once the truth is out, it'll be heinous enough to change her opinion about Lupin.

He keeps an eye on the grounds through the large windows. He is watching guard for almost two hours, but there is no sign of them. He starts searching the castle, but he has to be discrete now. If he were to be found by anyone at this hour, he'd surely land himself in trouble. As he is skimming the corridors, he gets the feeling that he is being followed. But every time he turns around, he is greeted with empty spaces. It's quarter past four in the morning when he finally gives up and decides to return to his dormitory. Outside the entrance to the dungeons, he finds a basket full of pungent flowers. There is a small note sticking to the handle -

"Dear Snivellus,

Take your slimey nose out of our business and stick it in your greasy hair

Lots of love,

Messrs Moony, Wormtail,

Padfoot and Prongs"

Severus vows to find out what they are up to and oust them to the teachers once and for all.

It's a late Saturday evening in February. He is waiting outside the Great Hall, the point from where the patrols begin. The light from the crescent moon is illuminating all the corners and crevices almost as well as the sun does. He is scheduled to patrol with Lily today, and so he had been eagerly awaiting the evening. This is their first patrol together. He arrived early in the hope of getting a few extra minutes with her. This is a chance for him to spend more than an hour with her without them having to give any justifications to anyone. Lily must've been enthused by the thought of this meeting as well, because she too reaches fifteen minutes before they are scheduled to begin.

They start roaming down the corridors, neither seems to be in a hurry to round up the patrol. It's been so difficult to reach an understanding between them. Mostly it involves turning a blind eye to facts that are staring them in the face. Lily pretends there's nothing conspicuous about Severus being friends with the will-be deatheaters, Severus pretends Lily has no problems when it comes to him.

They are mostly silent through the hour. They haven't run into any trouble-makers yet. Many a times one of them opens their mouth to say something but then shuts up in the fear of starting another row. Finally Lily brings up the Charms essay Flitwick has assigned to their year, and they are able to stand on common ground. He cannot help but smile to himself at the sight of her. She looks so elated discussing the subject she is so passionate about. Severus doesn't think Lily even knows that her eyes have gotten brighter, and she is prancing ahead of him rather than walking. She is bubbling with ideas and information, chatting non stop. He can't remember the last time she was this much at ease with him.

They are just turning the corner on the fourth floor hallway when Lily runs smack into someone. A broad set of hands catch hold of her arms just before the impact of the collision can send her crashing to the ground. Severus is peeved to find that the hands belong to none other than James Potter. Potter's hair are messier than ever, his tie is loose, his shirt is untucked and the top few buttons are undone. With him is Felicia Flutterwinge, a blonde Hufflepuff from sixth year. Her hair are equally frazzled and her uniform also looks like it has been hastily put back together. There are no second guesses that they had been snogging in some broom cupboard just minutes before. To Severus' horror, he realizes that Lily is still standing rigid in Potter's arms, staring at him, making no attempt to move. Potter is looking right back into her eyes. He is holding on to her with a vice-like grip, while she is unconsciously clutching his shoulders, still not standing straight. Both seem to have momentarily forgotten about the people they had been walking with. Their faces are so close, Severus is surprised Lily can even stand the proximity. Potter bends his face lower to whisper into her ear, and Severus can faintly make out his words - "You look beautiful as always, Evans." In the silence of the night, the sound of Lily catching her breath is rather audible. "Hogsmeade?" Potter smirks, bringing his face back up to look at her. Her eyes flicker to Flutterwinge, who is now scowling, and then back at him, realization dawning upon her. She quickly and forcefully frees her arms of his hold and points her wand at his chest "Not even in your dreams, Potter."

Potter shakes his head laughing. He nods his head at Severus, "Good evening to you. too, Snivellus", and struts away with Flutterwinge on his arm.

Severus too begins to walk away, he doesn't want another encounter with Potter to spoil his night with Lily, but she is still staring at his retreating figure. "Potter!" She calls out. "Ten points from Gryffindor for being out of bed after curfew."

She swiftly turns and starts marching when Potter calls back - "Evans! Ten points to Gryffindor for having such a hot prefect."

They are both walking away from each other. She doesn't need to turn, when she fires the stinging jinx, neither does he need to turn when he blocks it. Severus sees the perfection of her aim, and the precision of his defense. Both are so familiar with this dance. It's an unintended understanding of each other that they have achieved. This, however, doesn't bother Severus. For two people who argue and hex each other as much as they do, it's only reasonable for them to be able to forsee each other's moves. What bothers Severus is that, for the first time, Lily isn't annoyed after an encounter with Potter. Upset, yes. Angry, yes. But she isn't annoyed. Severus cannot help but wonder, is she jealous? Severus tries talking to her, she responds in single syllables. They go about the rest of the patrol in silence, and neither says good night before going their separate ways.

 **A/N:- I apologize if this seems like a filler chapter, the incidents were kind of necessary to build up the story for later, even if they seem disconnected. Please RR :)**


	9. The Five Stages of Grief - Part I

**The Five Stages of Grief - Part I**

Denial

It's a few weeks before the final exams. The days are whizzing by and everyone is horribly stressed, unable to cope with the syllabus. It seems that the more they get done, the more is still left uncovered. There are hardly any seconds spared to talk or to mingle; Meals are forgotten and desks are piling up with used - unused parchments.

In the midst of this mayhem, Severus and Lily have barely spoken to each other. He needs to see her, he needs to hear her soothing voice telling him its all manageable. He has never felt as burdened as this by his studies. He couldn't sleep the previous night, and there are always butterflies in his stomach when he open his textbooks. No one who gets a 'T' or a 'P' on their OWLs can be considered worthy of anything. He recalls the state Malfoy and Bellatrix were in, two years ago. Bellatrix had all the younger Slytherins lined up in the common room to practice her spells on. Malfoy had written letters to his father asking if there were any possibilities of bribing the examiners. The OWLs are a chance for Severus to prove his mettle, and have a stamp on his abilities. He is still undecided on his future, but it's always nice to have all doors welcoming you. Moreover he'll need at least an 'E' in DADA, Potions, Transfiguration and Charms to be able to continue with it in NEWTs. All four skills necessary for a job in the ministry, all four skills necessary to become a death eater. These examinations are given more importance than they should be.

The only person who can help him as of now is Lily. Aside from the fact that she's academically brilliant, she also knows how to calm him down. She knows exactly what to say to get him to relax, and revising together helps him regain his confidence. After several failed attempts of catching her alone sometime after classes, he decides on finding her in between classes.

He waits outside the Transfiguration classroom where McGonagall is just wrapping up her class with the Gryffindor and Hufflepuff Fifth Years. The ten minutes at the end of the hour go by at a snail's pace. He leans against the wall, and starts tapping his left foot with impatience. When the bell rings, the students stream out of the classroom, one by one in a rush. He finally spots her, emerging right behind McGonnagal, stuffing something in her satchel.

Just as she sets a foot outside the class, someone pulls her right back inside. It happened so fast, he doesn't think she saw even saw him standing outside. The door is slammed shut, but Severus catches it in time, leaving it slightly ajar. The occupants of the room don't notice that the sound of the door closing never comes out. He wonders who else could've been waiting to talk to Lily alone. He recalls seeing McKinnon, MacDonald, Alice Fortescue and Lupin leaving the classroom minutes before. The corridor is deserted now, with everyone scurrying off to their next class - Everyone except Severus, Lily, and the person who has kept Lily from Severus. The voices from inside are quiet but clear in the dead silence.

"What are you doing Potter?"

"I wanted to talk to you."

"So you decided manhandling me is the way to do it?"

Severus peeps in through the small opening. Potter has twisted Lily's arm and is holding her wrist behind her back. His grip must have been loose, because Lily doesn't look like she is in any pain. He has her backed up against a wall, blocking her way with his own huge body, towering over her small frame.

"I didn't know how else! You've barely been talking to me for the last few months."

"I too have missed our midnight conversations dear." Lily scathes sarcastically and for some reason Potter chuckles.

"Evans, you know that's not what I meant."

Severus is internally debating with himself. A part of him wants to barge in and rip Potter off of her, the other part of him wants to hear what this conversation is all about. The latter wins.

"I have no idea what you mean Potter."

"You've stopped acknowledging me all together. I've tried everything! I read out your favourite poem by that muggle bloke Yeats in the great hall, you didn't even look up. I mixed up everyone's homework in the common room, you didn't shout at me, even though I had misplaced your three feet long Charms essay. I even went as far as begging Remus and Mar to find out what's wrong, but they said they'd rather stay out of it." Potter almost looks agonized. "You say you wouldn't go out with me, but do you really hate me Evans?"

Of course she does, Severus scoffs to himself.

"Why do you even care Potter? There's no love lost between us." She tries to push him with her free hand, but he catches hold of her other wrist too.

"Of course I care Evans!" he says softly. "I can't stop thinking about it, you actually hate me."

"Why don't you shag and snog a few girls in broom cupboards, I'm sure it'll help you get your mind off it." Lily huffs.

"Is that what this is about?" His eyebrows have furrowed in confusion. "Evans, I'm not-"

"It's none of my business who you are doing what with Potter, and frankly I don't care enough to find out." She says grimly. With a forceful thrust of her arms, she manages to push him away. He jerks backwards and let's go of her.

Severus rushes to the end of the corridor, and pretends that he is on his way elsewhere. What did he just witness? Has Lily actually been acting differently with Potter? It can't be. She hates his guts. The only reason she hasn't been acknowledging the git is that giving into his provocations is beneath her. She wants to focus on her studies and has resorted to ignoring Potter and saving her energy. She hates him afterall.

When Lily comes out of the room, Potter isn't following her. Severus feigns his surprise upon seeing her and offers that they go to the library and study. Lily doesn't protest, she probably doesn't want to attend her Divination class at all. She doesn't say much as they walk to the library, but that's just how it has been between them lately.

Their time at the library is heartening. She smiles at him once or twice, when he corrects her mistakes in Advanced Arithmancy; she is rather distracted. But that's alright, because she is here with him, and he is happy. They are out Potter's reach and hence in bliss. A rather sedated, but welcome bliss. He cannot ignore the subtle change in her attitude toward Potter, but he doesn't want to bring up anything that'll make them fight.

He tries testing the waters - "Did you know what that prat- ?"

"Is this about Potter, Sev?" She cuts in

"Yes." He replies warily.

"Oh Sev, why must we spoil our time together talking about him. We can have the same conversation over and over again but he's never going to change. He'll always be an arrogant toerag, and there's nothing we can do about it. I hate him so much, just talking about him works me up." She's almost talking to herself by the end. As if she's reminding herself that she hates him. But Severus is glad she is still certain about her opinion of Potter and, as she put it, she hates him. He takes a small breath of relief and nods at her - "I understand. Let's get back to our work."

Abount half an hour later, he is concentrating on the article on 'the uses of Blue Ivy Flowers' he is reading when he feels her chair shift beside him. He looks up at her questioningly. "I just need another book for reference" she smiles.

Why is she lying to him? She is working on Arithmancy and she is headed straight for the Herbology section. Is she really that unfocused today? From the corner of his eye he sees Felicia Flutterwinge also scanning for books on the backside of the shelf.

One year later, the voice enhancing spell is still coming in handy.

"Hey Felicia!" Lily's voice is over enthusiastic.

"Oh, Hi Lily" Flutterwinge wasn't expecting her to talk to her.

There is a pause, and Lily seems to have forgotten its her turn to speak.

"Lily?" Flutterwinge probes.

"Right, uh - I -" she stutters "I had a question about Herbology. I had a doubt."

"Oh. Sure. How can I help you?"

"I um - " She's quiet again. Lily has lost all hopes for coherency.

Flutterwinge chuckles, "Why don't I make this easier for you Lily? I think I know why you're here. No, James and I aren't together."

"You broke up?" Lily is too quick to ask. "And that's not why I'm here." The lie is so obvious.

"No we didn't break up, we weren't dating in the first place" Flutterwinge says.

"Oh."

Severus can imagine Lily scrunching up her nose in disapproval of their behaviour.

"Lily you may have misjudged what you saw the other night."

"I didn't ask -"

"Let me explain anyway. James is a great mate, we get along really well, because of our mutual interest in Quidditch. That night, I found out that my ex-boyfriend had cheated on me. I was really upset and James saw me crying. He took me out to Hogsmeade to cheer me up." Why is everyone hell-bent on painting Potter as a saint to Lily? "I got really drunk and I sort of came on to him, a bit wildly" Flutterwinge continues snickering. "He reciprocated just enough to save me any embarrassment. He said it was alright, but I think that was before we ran into you."

Why is Flutterwinge telling Lily all of this? Lily has no interest in knowing who Potter snogs. She couldn't care in the least, what he has been up to. Neither does Lily particularly care about Flutterwinge. Why is she giving her any explanations. Lily is indifferent to Flutterwinge and she hates Potter.

"He isn't saving every female our year from embarrassment, is he?" Lily says. Severus is bothered by the resentment in Lily's voice.

"He's a hormonal fifteen year old boy Lily. Besides every girl who's ever snogged him, knows it doesn't mean a thing to him. He is hardly ever the initiator."

"He has a reputation," Lily insists.

"A reputation he only likes to further fuel. But anyone who knows James in the slightest, knows he only has eyes for you."

"I don't mean a thing to him either."

And why is that a problem, Severus thinks. Potter is nothing for Lily, they lead separate lives. He has no place in her heart.

"I'm just telling you what I know of him. Good day, Lily."

"Felicia I don't want -"

"My lips are sealed. This conversation never happened." With that Flutterwinge chuckles and goes back to her table.

Lily returns to her own table empty handed. Severus pretends he doesn't notice anything odd. "Where's the book you went searching for?" He asks off-handedly.

"I don't think it had the answer I was looking for." Lily says staring into the distance.

She hates Potter, she had just said she did. It's her nature to see the best in people and yet she never sees an inch of goodness in Potter. She hates him and for good reason. She is never going to fall for the trap of lies Potter and his friends keep trying to push her into. If Lupin and McKinnon cannot convince her of Potter's intentions, then whatever Flutterwinge says is also inconsequential.

"Lily I was just wondering, what are you going to do about Potter? He has been bothering you a lot lately."

"Sev -"

"I just meant, he is a smooth talker. But he can never truly appreciate you. So, incase you felt - "

"Sev, in spite of his repeated proposals, the only feelings I've ever had towards him are those of intense loathing. He drives me crazy." Lily goes back to her reading, clearly marking an end to the conversation.

She hates him. It's a chant that makes the blood run through his veins. He may be playing tug-of-war with Lily's abhorrent blood traitor and mudblood friends but he will never lose Lily Evans to James Potter.

Anger

It's an hour to go before the Defence Against Dark Arts OWL. He has been looking for Lily all over the castle. They had decided to quiz each other one last time before the final exam. He has been particularly jittery about this one. While it's one of his best subjects, he finds his natural tendencies are always to attack rather than defend. These instincts alone counteract his skills. The situational questions therefore boggle him. More often than not he tends to disagree with the course of action prescribed in the books. They've been written to suit the mediocre wizards who cannot help themselves. For someone more powerful and skillful, it's better to use riskier techniques that yield more impactful outcomes. For now, if he has to ace his exams, he has to abide by the books, something he has trouble doing.

Lily was suppose to meet him near the dungeons at seven in the morning. When she didn't arrive even by eight, he decided to go look for her. He desperately needs her help reviewing the course material on merpeople. She had promised to help him out in the morning after he began panicking last night. It's ridiculous how little he cares about these exams and yet how much effort he has to. put in.

He sees Mary MacDonald and Alice Fortescue from a distance. Desperate times call for desperate measures. He rushes to the pair. "Have either of you seen Lily?" He tries keeping his tone as neutral as possible.

"I think she's been revising since morning. If I'm not wrong she's been sitting on the windowsill outside Gryffindor common room since 5 am." Fortescue replies. Severus nods and is about leave when he notices a sardonic smile on MacDonald's face.

"I think she was studying with James and Remus" she says sweetly.

Severus feels as if his heart drops to his stomach. He doesn't as much as nod at either of them and runs to Gryffindor tower. With every step he takes forward he can feel the tightness building up in his stomach.

He reaches the Gryffindor common room. Before he can even see them, he hears a boisterous laughter. He slows down his steps. Potter's face is split in a wide grin and he is jumping up and down. Lupin and Lily are scanning their notes sitting on the windowsill at the end of the corridor, searching for something, flipping page after page.

"Why did you bring this toddler with you Remus?" Lily asks Lupin lightly. Their voices echo through the corridor making them completely audible to Severus.

"If I'm a toddler, are you going start calling me baby, Evans?" Potter says lightly punching her shoulder.

"Behave, Prongs" Lupin admonishes.

"I still haven't figured out all this structural theory behind protective charms" Lily whines. "I'm sure I'll forget it as soon as I begin the paper."

"Oh there's a simple way to remember those" Potter says, suddenly serious. "Here, i'll show you." Potter begins scribbling something in her notebook and Lily's eyes widen. "How do you know this?" she asks incredulously.

"My dad taught me before the term began. He thought it might be useful" Potter shrugs.

"I never thought I'd see the day I'd be thankful to James Potter" Lily shakes her head disbelievingly at Lupin.

Lupin chuckles and they carry on reviewing the material before them in silence.

"Oh bloody hell" Lily exclaims suddenly.

Has she finally remembered where she's suppose to be?

"What?" Both Lupin and Potter jump on their spots.

"Sorry, nothing. I just realized my bum is sore from sitting here so long." Lily mutters.

"Go ahead Evans, talk about your bum. Make sure I fail my exam thinking about it" Potter says shamelessly.

"Oh, bugger off Potter"

Potter says something too low for Severus to hear. Lily bursts into a fit of giggles. Potter and Lupin look at her amused. Of course they don't know she tends to become hysterical when she's stressed.

She has completely forgotten about her meeting with Severus. She is busy with them, chatting, and joking, and revising. Severus clenches his fists in anger. He doesnt expect her to be so careless. She should have more sense to than to waste her time with troublesome boys just before an exam. Moreover she has abandoned him in a time that he needed her, abandoned him for _them_. He leaves without meeting her. If he were to speak to her now, he wouldn't have the kindest words to say.

The exam passes in a haze. He performs the best he cares to perform. Once the final bell ring, he simply dashes out of the exam hall to the Great Lake, looking for some peace and quiet. Unfortunately, most of his year chooses to camp out by the lake, relaxing in the aftermath of one of the tougher exams. He sees Lily stroll down with McKinnon and MacDonald. He doesn't call out to her. She hasn't bothered looking for him, has she? He sits on the ground, under the shade of a tree, leaning back and closing his eyes. He doesn't have the energy to deal with anyone right now, he hardly slept all night. He is just drifting off to unconsciousness when he hears the irksome voice.

"Ah Padfoot! There's Snivellus."

He opens his eyes to see Black and Potter walking to him; Lupin and Pettigrew are following them.

"Heard you're quite the teacher Snape" Black sneers, marching straight to the spot he is sitting at.

Severus gets up and squares his shoulder. "What do you want Black?" He is already enraged.

"What I want is for you to stop rubbing your filth off on Regulus. I know you've been teaching him dark magic, stop manipulating his impressionable mind." Black looks equally furious.

"Now now, Pads" Potter says mockingly, "Let's not judge Snivellus. Maybe he had good intentions behind his actions.

Severus and Potter both draw their wands out.

"Let's see how fond he is of some of his own inventions" Potter smirks.

Before Severus can fire a spell, Potter shouts "Levicorpus!"

Severus is three feet from the ground, dangling upside down. In the shock of being hoisted up in the air he drops his wand to the ground. There are a few gasps from the people around him. Slowly but steadily, people begin gathering around the scene. Everyone is watching him.

"Isn't this spell a part of your curriculum?" Potter asks cockily.

"I believe it was covered under 'Defence Against First Years' while tutoring Reg." Black spits.

Severus had recently taken Regulus Black under his wing. Regulus was a good kid with tremendous potential. Walburga Black, his mother, had personally written to Severus, requesting him to guide Regulus, lest he deviate to the wrong side like his brother. Severus wouldn't have had to do any of it, had Sirius been an exemplary brother.

He doesn't see what Sirius' problem is, he hasn't looked at the boy in the last two years. Regulus too, isn't interested in maintaining any relationship with him. Two days ago, Pettigrew and Lupin had stumbled upon Severus teaching Regulus some of the new spells he had created, on unsuspecting targets. Thanks to the lack of proof, Lupin couldn't report Severus to any teacher and simply gave him a pitiable lecture on morality. It seems that Regulus' secret training sessions have somehow gotten Sirius' attention, so of course Potter has taken it upon himself to please Black.

"You'll pay for this Potter!" Severus tries to sound as menacing as he can, but that isn't possible given his current position.

"When was the last time you took a bath Snivellus?" Potter sniggers. When Severus doesn't respond he continues "Cant remember? Well now is as good a time as any." Potter keeps Severus hanging in the air with his own wand and pours soapy water all over him with Black's wand.

The humiliation and helplessness has Severus' blood boiling. The minutes he gets a hold of his wand he will give Potter exactly what he deserves.

"Potter" - The voice is unmistakable. Lily breaks through the circle of people surrounding them. "Leave him alone!" she bellows. The sight of her only infuriates Severus more. Her words seem hypocritical. Just three hours ago she was chumming up to Potter, laughing at his jokes. Who is she trying to fool by shouting at him?

"Stay out of this Lils" McKinnon tries to stop her but Lily charges to the centre of the scene.

"All right, Evans?" Potter smiles at her arrogantly.

"Leave him alone!" She yells once again. Its funny how empty her threats sound to Severus now.

"I'll leave him alone if you go out with me" Potter says, waving his wand. Severus falls to the ground with a thud. Grass and dirt stick to his wet face face and hair. His arms hurt from the impact of the fall.

"I'd rather go on a date with the Giant Squid" Lily says sounding disgusted.

"Now that's rude Evans, who's going to help Snivellus if the Giant Squid sucks you into the lake?" Potter says, not in the least discouraged.

Severus manages to get up, drenched in water and humiliation. "I don't need any help from a mudblood" he blurts out.

Everyone falls silent. Several people clap their mouths to their hands. In a bout of anger he had used the filthiest word in his vocabulary for his best friend. He regrets the sentence the minute the words shoot out of his mouth, but he can't take them back. For a few seconds, he had truly meant it. But then his fury fades, and the burden of his words burns him alive. He can't decide what's more unbearable - The fact that she saw him in such a state of disgrace, that he had just publicly insulted her, or the hurt that is clearly visible in her eyes.

"Apologize to Evans!" Potter roars. Black, Pettigrew and Lupin are now all pointing their wands towards him. MacDonald is holding back McKinnon, who looks ready to punch him.

"I don't need any apologies" Lily says looking straight into Severus' eyes. Her eyes are bright, but she'll never let a tear fall for anyone unworthy. Severus wonders if he'll ever be worthy of her tears again. She turns around and storms off into the castle. McMcKinnon and MacDonald swiftly follow in her wake.

Before he knows it, he's been suspened in the air again.

"What do you say Padfoot, I reckon Snivellus needs to learn some manners." Potter says. His expression isn't mocking, it's a shade of anger Severus has never seen.

"You should've washed his mouth too Prongs." Black grimaces.

"No worries, there are always more effecient methods." Potter is once again smirking.

Severus can feel the blood rush to his head. He cannot fathom the extent to which this situation has gotten out of control. Lily is the only one who has always stood by him. He can vaguely make out the figures of Mulciber and Avery in a far off corner, laughing at the scene. Anyone who would've sided with him is now completely against him. Lily Evans is well liked and well respected by the student body. No one will forgive him. He doesn't know if he can forgive himself. He is now completely alone.

The thoughts effervescing in his head are drowning out all externals voices. "Anyone wants to see his knickers?" He can faintly hear Potter call out to the crowd. He is helplessly kicking in the air, as he feels his pants come undone. His robe has already been flung upside down. His mind goes numb. He blocks out the shrieks and the laughter. He blocks out the pain he feels when he falls to the ground. He blocks out Lily's face paling with the attack of betrayal.

He has lost his best friend, and possibly the only girl he has ever loved.


	10. The Five Stages of Grief - Part II

**The Five Stages of Grief - Part II**

Bargaining

It feels like holding out his hand under running water. Every time he tries to close his fist around the stream, it all seeps away, slipping through his fingers. It's impossible to hold on to even a piece of it. If he pulls his hand away, all that will left will be the tiny droplets of memories that will never be enough for his survival.

His throat is parched with his thirst for her attention. He doesn't care what she will say, as long as she will just talk to him. Beggars cannot be choosers, he'll have her happy, angry or sad, so long as he gets to have her.

It's been four hours since that moment. Four extremely slow and painful hours. He feels his heart beat become faster with every second. Or are the seconds slowing down with the thumps of his heart? He doesn't know.

He skirts throught the castle, but there is no sign of her. He doesn't eat dinner that day. He stands guard on the entrance of the Great Hall, he'll catch her going in or out. Several people throw him dirty looks his way as they pass him by, some go as far as hurling an insult or two at him - he doesn't respond. She never shows up. When McKinnon and MacDonald are leaving the Great Hall, he tries asking them for Lily's whereabouts - They point their wands at him and walk away. Alice Fortescue and Frank Longbottom aren't sympathetic towards him either.

He is walking up and down the corridor. The fat lady's eyes are following him like two oscillating beads. Once or twice she tries making a comment on unwanted people at her doorstep, he ignores her. It's about nine right now, the curfew would kick in, in an hour. He'll pretend he's on patrol duty. There is no way he is going back to the dungeons without talking to her. He has already tried his hand at getting the Fat Lady to give him the password but apparently gossip travels fast around the castle, spanning over the student body, professors, ghosts, Peeves, and the portraits. The Fat Lady wouldn't as much as respond to him.

He can distinctly make out the sound of approaching footsteps.They are coming from the adjacent corridor. As the footsteps get louder, voices accompany them.

""Are you sure this will be enough food for her?" That's Black.

"She really isn't in the mood for eating much, but Alice insisted we should stuff something down her throat." Definitely MacDonald.

"How is she doing?"

They've turned the corner. They are carrying a small basket covered with a napkin. Severus snorts. That couldn't contain enough food for a rat.

"She isn't really talking to anyone. We are giving her some space. Thanks for showing me to the kitchens, Sirius."

"That's quite alright - "

They've seen him. He pauses to look at them, when they only stare, he continues his pacing.

"What the hell do you think you are doing here?" Black snarls, regaining his voice.

"I want to speak to Lily" Severus addresses MacDonald, the one who is less likely of the two to hex him.

"She doesn't want to speak to you," MacDonald dead pans.

"Why don't you let her decide that?" Severus says losing patience.

"I think we all decided that on her behalf the moment you called her that filthy word," Black says.

"I'm not leaving until she talks to me. I'll stay here all night if I have to." Severus threatens.

MacDonald shakes her head, "Let's go, Sirius". Black nods and follows MacDonald. The Fat Lady doesn't ask them for the password, knowing Severus would hear them. They disappear inside. The next time the portrait door opens, Severus' heart leaps to his mouth. Lily steps out, clutching her dressing gown close to her body, and looking utterly irritated.

"Lily - " Severus begins but she cuts him off.

"Don't. I only came down here because Mary said you were threatening to sleep out here all night." Lily says testily

"Lily, if you will please just listen to me - " He pleads, but she isn't listening.

"Please don't behave like a creepy stalker _Snape._ "

Severus can feel his heart crack at the use of his last name.

"Lily, you have to understand. I was just so angry and humiliated. I didn't mean to call you that in front of everyone."

" _That?_ You mean, you didn't mean to call me a mudblood . Tell me Snape, how many times have you called me a mudblood behind my back?" Lily says crossing her arms in front of her chest, looking accusingly at him.

"Never! Come on, Lily. You know that's not what I think of you - "

"But that _is_ what you think of other people of my birth?"

He doesn't know what to say, so he goes for his only possible defence "Potter made me! He agitated me into lashing out on you!

"He is always trying to come between us Lily, all because he fancies you." He cries desperately when Lily shakes her head dismissing his arguments.

"That's real mature Snape. Blame your own mistakes on Potter. Potter made you turn your back on your best friend. Potter made you stand neck deep in the knowledge of dark arts. Potter made you join the death eaters' clan."

"Potter and his friends are up to no good!" He insists.

"And you and your friends are evil. Unlike them, you actually wish badly upon people" Lily retorts hotly.

Severus is lost for words again. They've all made her look at him with malice. He can't help but notice how she classifies him as a bad person.

"You can't even deny it, can you? All these years, everyone told me not to even speak to you. I told them they didn't know you well enough. Turns out, they knew better than I ever did."

"Hear me out Lily, please." Severus begs and pleads. He doesn't know what he will say if she does give him a chance to explain, but he knows he'll fix everything somehow. But she doesn't want anything fixed. She is through.

"You chose your way Sev, and I chose mine. This is it," she says, a bit softer now. She turns around, whispers the password and goes back to her dormitory.

"I'm not leaving Lily!" Severus calls out, but it's in vain. Tears begin to trickle down his face - unexpected, unexplained and unending tears. His face is hot and his head is spinning. He slumps down the wall, on to the floor - How did they get here?

He feels cold, like a blanket has been snatched from him and every inch of his skin has been exposed to frost. The hard floor is a physical discomfort he isn't bothered by, the hollowness in his chest has blocked everything else out. It's eating him alive, but he is waiting the night out, hoping, that when the day breaks out again, there will be some comfort, some cure, and some chance for redemption.

A searing pain in his back brings him back to his senses. The cold marble floor he lay eagle-spread on, has wrecked his spine. His neck is strained and his arms are sore. But the pain is nothing compared to the hurt that courses through him when he recalls the events of that day.

It takes him a while to adjust his eyes and see anything in the darkness that engulfs him. The portrait of the Fat Lady finally emerges in his vision. He must have fallen asleep waiting for Lily outside the Gryffindor common room. The last time he knew, the time was past midnight. With some effort, he stands up. Lily hadn't come to him again all night. Come morning, the whole of Gryffindor would be awake. He'd rather talk to her alone, something her housemates would ensure wouldn't happen. A little sleep has brought about a little clarity. The next time he sees her, he needs to gather his thoughts and be sure of what she wants to hear. He isn't ready just yet.

He is trudging his way back to the Dungeons, when to his surprise, he finds that he isn't the only one awake and uncomfortable in the dead of the night. The sound of something scraping and someone scoffing draws his attention.

He finds her sitting on the floor in an empty classroom on the second floor. The room is dimly lit, the flames of the torches more Red than yellow. The light doesn't illuminate even a spot in the corridor, making Severus invisible. At some point in the night, Lily had infact left the common room, stepped over his sleeping form and come here. It's funny that of all the places she could have gone to, wallowing in her hate, she chose to come here. It's the same classroom in which they they practiced brewing potions together when they were younger. Scraps of photographs, parchments and fabric lie all around her. There is a pair of scissors in her hand that provides incriminating evidence against her, explaining the mess. She is obsessively cutting things. She is grabbing hold of anything and everything the scissor blade can pierce, including a strand of her own hair. She has shred some of the parchements to a size that it's difficult to even pick them of the floor with two fingers.

"How long have you been here?"

It isn't Severus who speaks. There is someone else? Severus slowly turns his head to find the owner of the hoarse voice that had appeared out of nowhere.

"That's none of your business" Lily deadpans. Her eyes are focussed on the tip of her scissors.

Potter has been standing inside, leaning against the wall, observing her. He doesn't move an inch. How did Potter know she was out of Gryffindor tower at this time? And how did he find her here? Several times Severus sees Potter open his mouth and close it again. For once in his life, James Potter's smart mouth is stumped.

Every cell in Severus' body is aching to raise his wand and scream 'Crucio', but revenge can wait. The longer Lily doesn't speak to Severus, the longer he loses his chance to make things up to her. He cannot barge into the room now, otherwise there is sure to be another fight. Right now, he doesn't like the odds of Lily being happy about him engaging in another spat. So he decides to wait. He will wait till Lily throws Potter out of the room. Potter will manage to enrage her enough to overshadow her anger with Severus. She may even forgive him, when she sees and compares him to that bastard. Potter's bratiness will remind her of all the things that she likes about Severus. Besides, depending on how long it takes for Lily to forgive him, he'll decide just how much torturing Potter deserves. His best bet is to wait.

Its about fifteen minutes of frustrating silence before either of them speaks again. "What do you want Potter?" Her voice is stony - Potter hesitates before saying anything. She isn't even looking at him. She is now cutting tiny squares out of a blue handkerchief. There are red circles around her thumb and forefinger because of her tight grip along the loops of the scissors. Once again, the only sound in the classroom is the cry of the scissor blade that is too blunt to carve out cloth.

"I just - " Potter begins, then stops. "I thought - " He tries again but then shuts up. He scuffs his toe against the floor in nervousness. A few seconds later, he gives speaking another shot "Are you - "

"Save it. I don't want to hear anything patronizing right now Potter. Leave me alone." She still hasn't given him as much as a glance. She is equally mad with both Potter and Severus.

"Evans, please, just let me say this" Potter pleads.

"Fine, when you find the bleeding sense to be coherent, say whatever you have to say. Don't expect me to respond, just leave when you're done." Severus has never seen Lily be so cold and apathetic. She hasn't loosened her hold on the scissors.

"I'm sorry." Potter whispers.

Lily's head snaps up - "What?"

So she does in fact respond, the scissor still in hand.

"I'm extremely sorry" Potter says looking her in the eye. There is no flicker of arrogance or smugness on his face. He looks like a lost boy.

"For what are you apologizing Potter?" Lily asks warily.

"For everything."

Lily doesn't say anything. She just stares at him, waiting to see the catch behind this mercy plea. When she starts running the scissor through the threads again, he continues, afraid to lose her attention completely - "I'm sorry for being a prat all these years. I'm sorry for always annoying you and purposely getting on your nerves. I'm sorry for being all those things you call me with your surprisingly colourful vocabulary." Lily's lips visibly twitch as she suppresses a smile. Her thumb almost slips out of the scissors. She looks up at him, permitting him to explain what brought on the apology.

Potter stutters under the blare of her full attention. He cannot look her in the eye when he says "I'm also very sorry for what happened today."

Her grip tightens once again. At first her lips are pursed tightly, but then to Severus' utter shock, they break into a full fledged smile. He feels the blood drain from his face. There is no sign of warmth or mirth in her smile. The upward curve of her lips is like the noise from a broken record player. It's as if a dementor has sucked the soul out it, and now it's barren.

"What are you apologizing for? Your proposals are now far too mundane, I've written them off as unavoidable circumstances. You don't need to apologize for that."

That isn't what Potter is apologizing for. She knows it, and Severus knows it. Potter knows she's fibbing, he clarifies anyway.

"I meant, I'm sorry for pushing Snape to the extent that you got hurt." Potter says carefully.

"Merlin Potter, thanks for that. I'm all whole and healed again" She giggles sarcastically. That smile is scary. She isn't even looking at her hands now as she continues her obsessive cutting.

"Evans - "

"Potter did you call me out on being a mudblood?" She asks with the same incredulous smile.

"Dont call yourself that" he protests.

"Well, since you didn't call me a mudblood," she continues, ignoring him, "you are free to go back and sleep."

"Lily, please"

"Ouch!" She's nicked her hand under the handkerchief. Blood is oozing from the small cut on her palm. Potter immediately walks up to her and falls to his knees. He tries to take her hand, but she pulls it away. She rubs her palm on her Pyjamas, ceasing the blood flow.

"Look Potter. I'm sorry, but you've chosen the wrong day to deflate your head. Don't waste your apologies on me, I'm not in a particularly forgiving state of mind." Lily says.

She carefully lifts some of her fringes, keeping them at eye level, and holds the scissors to her forehead. As soon as she is about to make the cut, Potter catches hold of her wrists and brings them down to her lap.

She glares at him, probably adding him mentally to the chopping list.

"I understand that you can't forgive me. To be perfectly honest, I didn't expect you to forgive me either. But can you at least, just for a second, forget - "

"Forget what?" She frees her wrists from his hold, and starts smacking his chest. She has snapped. "Forget that my best friend thinks I'm not worthy of being a witch? Forget that everything I believed in is crumbling around me? Forget that I ever came to Hogwarts? Forget that I am a witch? Because I'd love to forget all that right about now. I'd love to be a simple girl living in the shadow of my sister and forever being a muggle. But as it turns out, forgetting isn't as simple as tossing a snitch around Potter."

Her chest is heaving with the force of her shouting. Sweat beads have appeared on her forehead from the effort of assaulting Potter's chest. Her eyes are tired and defeated, her cheeks are flushed with anger.

Potter shifts from his position and moves to sit beside her. He waits for her breathing to even out, eyeing the scissors still in her hand.

When her cheeks no longer match the shade of her hair, he speaks.

"No, it's not easy to forget all of that. And you shouldn't forget all that either. It's all a part of who you are. But you need some peace of mind, some escape. So forget who I am."

He tentatively puts a hand on her shoulder. Severus swears to amputate it when he gets his revenge. Lily turns her head to look at him in confusion. Confusion is a lot better than that sardonic smile.

"Forget who I am, forget our history. Just for a second, forget how much you hate me."

Is he really so daft that he is trying to hit on her?

"You've gone barking mad Potter."

Lily begins to look away, but he cups her face with his hands. Severus wishes Potter's skin would burn every time he touches her. Lily's eyes widen at his gesture and then she glares down at his hands. He quickly drops them.

"I know my apologies can't fix anything. But I'm giving you an out, to be broken. You need to talk. If you go to Mar or Mary, they'll tell you he's not worth your fretting. If you go to Remus, he'll bring the heavens down to take your mind off it. You're avoiding everyone else. So I am here, just get it out of your system."

"How am I suppose to chuck seven years of friendship out of my system?" Lily asks icily, but a single tear rolls down her cheek, disappearing beneath her chin.

"You can't chuck it out, not without falling apart. So fall apart all you want, I'll hold you together." Potter whispers softly.

What does he mean by _he'll hold her together_? She'll die before she sees the day she cries in front of James bloody Potter. And there is no need for her to cry. It'll all be fixed if she would just talk to Severus once more. He'll tell her he didn't mean what he said, that it was a stupid mistake. Potter riled him up on purpose. Potter has always tried to ruin their friendship. He'll tell her how importants she is to him. He'll tell her she is his only choice.

Lily is considering him doubtfully. Her sensibilities are reminding her not to trust a. word that comes out of Potter's mouth.

"I'm an immature berk for the most part, as you often point out, but I think I can confidently say, I know a thing or two about being invested in a friendship." He offers her a small grin. She doesn't react. Potter is feeling particularly cheeky today, for he slides his arm across her shoulders and and gives her a slight squeeze. That makes Lily look imploringly into his eyes.

"I promise I won't hold this against you ever. You can do whatever you want - shout at me, hit me, talk to me, say nothing at all. But I'm here as long as you are." Potter says, returning her burning gaze.

"In exchange for forgiveness?" Lily probes.

"No strings attached. If you can find it in your heart to trust me with a piece of you, I swear I'll never mention it again. By this time tomorrow, you can go back to hating me, and I'll go back to annoying you with with my very existence. But just for now, say for an hour, forget that I'm the person you loathe the most, and let it all out." Severus has never heard Potter's voice come out so softly.

Potter removes his arm from around Lily's shoulder. He sits with his knees close to his chest. Lily fidgets with the scissor, snipping at air, dangling its legs, and rolling it between her palms. It's clear that Potter is watching her from the corner of his eye. The silence drags on.

Good. She has decided to sit in silence since he's made it clear she can't get rid of him. She isn't going to fall for Potter's ploys.

He exhales his breath of relief a little too soon.

She stops playing with the scissor and snaps it shut. She then begins to trace something on the floor with the pointed ended before she starts speaking. "I ran to my dormitory right after he called me a mudblood." Potter is startled by her voice, he starts listening to her with rapt attention. She is tracing patterns on the floor, not looking anywhere else, even as she speaks "I just opened my trunk and took out all the photos I had of him and me together. I don't know why I did that." She's silent again. Her hand is moving in a circular motion as she traces rings on the floor, rings that are getting smaller and smaller. Potter says nothing.

"I saw a muggle movie last summer with Petunia. It was quite stupid. There was this scene - The girl's boyfriend broke up with her, so she cut them apart in all their pictures. I never understood what she was trying to achieve. Then again, the movie itself lacked logic and sensibility," She shrugs

The rings are down to a tiny dot. She is pressing the tip of the scissors into the ground.

"I cut all the pictures" She clicks her tongue against her cheek. "My roommates came to me before any inner satisfaction did. But a lot of muggle movies show these kind of things. They supposedly provide closure. It felt like taking medication; a prescribed pain killer, if you will." She waves her hands around over the clutter of scraps around her "This is me popping pills."

Potter's hand once again snakes behind her, patting her back like a child. Neither him, nor Severus have seen Lily in such a delirious state.

As soon as his hand makes contacts with her back she looks up. She looks up and stares at him for a good two minutes, and then stares at the scissors. More silence.

"I asked him a _million_ times if my birth and lineage would be a problem." Her voice is barely a whisper, without a trace of any strength in it.

Potter senses the cracks in the dam that is holding her back. It's clear she's on the verge of spilling her heart. He is taking advantage of her vulnerabilities. He has moved an inch closer to her, enveloping her to his side with his arm. She looks at him again. Her lips are quivering, and she is rapidly blinking her eyes, holding back her outburst. Potter nods at her, giving her another squeeze, coaxing her to speak.

"He _always_ said, it wouldn't matter to anyone." Her voice breaks on the last word and she finally let's out a sob.

Severus is sad to see her cry, but he is horrfied to see her lean into Potter and rest her head on his shoulder. The scissors drop to the floor with a soft clunk. The tears are gushing out now. Potter pulls her closer to him, so that she is sitting in his lap. He wraps both arms around her and cradles her head to his chest.

Severus can feel something rise at the back of his throat. His legs feel weak, and his head is heavy. He slumps to the ground outside the classroom. Mercy is not in his cards as sleep evades him now. He cannot move from his place. His feet are glued to the floor. There is no escaping the jolts that run through his body with every howl of hers that reaches his ears. At this point, he couldn't care less who was with her. All that he can think about is her sobs and whimpers echoing into the night. The sound of her crying haunts him. Just when he thinks he can't take anymore of it, her wails begin to fade. He clutches his knees, hoping it has ended. There is a prolonged silence. She has hopefully drowsed off.

He still cannot move. He dares to peek once more. She is still cradled in Potter's lap, Potter is stroking her hair with one hand, running his other hand soothingly over her back.

The next time he peeks in, Lily has mercifully moved from Potter's lap. She is blowing her nose into a piece of the blue handkerchief that was fortunately big enough. When she snorts, Potter laughs, and a small smile plays on Lily's lips.

She stands up and walks to the centre of the room. Her tear stained face is glistening under the torches lit in the room. She looks around the mess she made and sighs.

"I'll clean that up. You go back and get some sleep," Potter offers.

"I don't loathe you," she says softly, ignoring his proposition altogether. Potter looks taken aback by her words.

"Is that a way for you to say you actually think I'm a decent bloke?" He smirks.

She is already at work. Sorting the mess and creating separate piles for paper and cloth. She wipes her face with some pieces of fabric. Potter transfigures the heaps of cutouts into ashes and sweeps them to the corner of the room.

"If I say yes, does that mean I can expect you to be a decent bloke at all times?" She asks, watching him intently.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night Evans." He pulls her cheek and goes back to his cleaning.

They are almost done removing all signs of Lily's maniacal attack. She looks a lot more calm and collected now. Sad, but still hopeful.

"Does this mean I'm forgiven?" Potter asks, nervously running his hands through his hair.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night Potter" Lily smirks, and Potter's eyes sparkle with mischief.

Severus uses all his energy to get up and drag himself away from the room. No matter how much he wants to talk to her, he doesn't have the courage to face her just then. Not after he has heard her bawling her eyes out in the arms of her nemesis. He has inflicted enough pain on her already.

But he is hopeful. If she can forgive Potter, she can definitely forgive him. He will do anything to make her happy again. He will give up anything, just to have her smile at him once more. Potter has made her look past five years of animosity, surely Severus and Lily can step around one bad incident. He will talk to her and he will do exactly as she pleases. If she wants him to stop hanging around with Mulciber and Avery, he will figure out a way to make that happen - at least in her eyes. He'll stop probing Lupin's mystery. He'll even stop hexing MacDonald and McKinnon. All he needs is for her to hear him out, without deciding in her head that she hates him.

If Potter can get to her, then so can he.


	11. The Five Stages of Grief - Part III

**The Five Stages of Grief - Part III**

Depression

 _To_

 _Severus Snape_

 _In the next six days there will be attacks all over Britain. Each attack will be a call for a revolution.Those who oppose our ideologies, oppose the well-being of our world. Mudbloods, muggles, blood traitors - none shall be spared._

 _You shall receive a portkey on the seventh day. It will be your gateway to become one of us._

The letter had descended in his life without any warning the previous night. It now lies on his desk, glaring at him, burning him with its gaze every second. Just lifting that piece of parchment had felt like holding a tombstone - heavy and morbid. They don't expect a response, there had been no owl in sight when the letter had arrived. They only expect him to be there. He pulls up the sleeve of his ratty grey jumper and stares at the pale skin of his forearm, bones protruding from his skinny wrists.

Rodolphus Lestrange had said the mark hurts in the beginning, it throbs like a big agitated scar. Bellatrix had said that she was so overwhelmed with excitement and gratitude, she hadn't noticed the pain.

How long does he have till the black curves and lines snake around his arm, marking him as one of them?

It has been three weeks since he has been back home for the vacations, yet, it feels like an eternity. It's been three weeks of weighed down emptiness, fidgeting and helplessness. At night, sleep evades him and in the mornings, he cannot find a reason to wake up. He has two dreams every night. The first is always the same, Lily wailing in Potter's arms, Potter touching her with his filthy hands, clutching her close to his body. The second dream is the same scenario in different settings. He is pointing his wand at a person lying flat on the ground. The man, or it may just be a woman, is faceless - the face is always a blur. The person is writhing in pain, screeching and begging for mercy. From his vantage point, Severus can see his own face - expressionless and unflinching. Sometimes he's in a graveyard, sometimes he's in the living room of a mansion, and sometimes he's in the forbidden forest. There are masked figures surrounding him, cheering him on. It's oddly satisfying. Neither of the dreams qualify as nightmares, but both tend to leave him sleep deprived.

The first attack is brutal. The head of the 'Misuse of Muggle Artefacts' Office at the Ministry of Magic is found crucified to the wall by nails outside his house. The story of the ruthless murder flashes in the Daily Prophet as well as the muggle newspapers. The Prophet describes Carmen Bologna as a victim of revenge pertaining to his personal conflicts. It's a taboo to even acknowledge that the Dark Lord and his forces have openly challenged the Ministry.

The Second one is more subdued in technique, but severe still in sheer numbers. Seven off-age muggleborn wizards in different parts of England are murdered using the killing curse at exactly 7 pm. Their bodies are found with the word mudblood carved on their foreheads. It's a bold statement made by the death eaters. Mulciber's father invites Severus and the rest of their group to witness his stint in the carnage. It is just in the outskirts of Bristol. The victim is a middle-aged brunette. Her fist remains clenched around the spatula she had been holding, as the life drains out of her eyes and she drops listless on her kitchen floor. Mulciber, Avery, Nott and Severus each inscribe two letters in the pale white skin between her temples.

The attack in Devon County is carried out by Bellatrix, while Lucius Malfoy claims the Ravenclaw boy who had been the head boy at Hogwarts in their year. The youngest slayers are Amycus and Alecto Carrow. The twins have just completed their third year at Hogwarts along with Regulus Black. The Carrows murder one of their mudblood neighbours and then burn the house in their enthusiasm. Fenrir Greyback drags away the body of his victim into a secluded forest to make a meal out of it on the upcoming full moon. Corban Yaxley finishes of an elderly man in Gloucestershire and Igor Karkaroff terminates the seventh victim of the day in South Yorkshire.

Severus sits stiffly in his chair skimming over the Daily Prophet. It is full of articles covering the attacks and information on memorial services being held all over the country for seven nobodies. The Death Eater movement has been gaining momentum. All the new recruits are cunning and skillful, yesterday's attacks are a proof of that. Five out of the seven murders were carried out by wizards that are less than twenty years old. It's madness to undermine their power. Catastrophe and casualities are swaying everyone to either side. The road is winding quicker than he running, he has to choose his way.

He doesn't know what to do. He is standing there, staring at the backyard of the Evans household, aimlessly passing time.

This is his fifth visit since the vacations had begun. He knew what to expect when he came here. He rang the bell like always. He heard her upbeat, enthusiastic steps skipping to the door. There was a three second pause, when she peered through the peephole. He heard her footsteps retreat, faster and harder now. Like always, he rang the bell again, and he could barely make out the footsteps this time. Violet Evans opened the door, and hesitantly greeted him. He asked her the question even though he knew the answer. Mrs. Evans made up some excuse about Lily being unavailable, he didn't bother to really hear it. She offered him the same awkward but kind smile. He nodded, the door slammed shut in his face. But unlike before, he didn't set off to return right away. Instead he just stood by Lily's house. Every now and then he circles the periphery, observing the structure from different angles.

The attacks had him thinking of Lily. Her fortunate age had spared her from being a part of the massacre. He knows she is a potential victim. Two days of wreckage have him preparing for the worst possible outcomes in the four days to come. Of course, there is the possibility, that him dangling around her house will only draw attention to her. But how can he leave? He needs to know what her plan is. He needs to know that she will be safe.

The sun is paticulary glary today. It soaks him in sweat and prickles the pallid skin of his neck. A loud thud and some commotion from inside catches his attention. He tries to look through the living room window. He can count more figures than those of the known four occupants of the Evans household. His heart leaps and skittles in his chest. There are definitely two new men inside. He can't see anything past their broad shoulders and long upper-bodies. There isn't enough light coming from the room for him to make out who they are. He doesn't have any information about today's attack. Could they be targeting students today? Lily is outspoken enough to top the list, if that's the case. His fellows surely would have mentioned her to their families. There is an unpleasant lurch in his stomach. He hurries towards the front door. He doesn't know how he will stop them, but he has to try. He'll beg them to spare her. He draws out his wand and is about to break the door open when realization hits him. If two death eaters had indeed broken into Lily's house he would've definitely heard some screams and shouts by now, and yet there is an amicable silence. There aren't any spells being fired either. He pressed his ears to the door and hears exuberant laughter and chattering. So there is no danger. The intruders have to be wizards, Severus hadn't seen anyone walk towards the house. Severus quickly moves to the side of the door, as he hears the door knob click, hiding behind the pot of flowers he had seen Lily plant as a kid.

Lily Evans walks out sandwiched between Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, both of whom have flung an arm around her shoulder.

"Will you boys be staying for lunch?" Mrs. Evans calls out from inside.

"No, thanks Mrs. Evans. We'll head home right after dropping Lily back." Lupin says turning over his shoulder. When Lupin pauses and stares at a spot near the door, Severus is sure he's been seen. But when the other two tug him along, Lupin shrugs and turns away.

What are they doing here? It's bad enough that Lily isn't talking to him, now they are lurking around in her backyard. The marauders are like vultures, scavenging off the remnants of their broken friendship. It's appalling.

"So" Lily begins, breaking free of their hold and clapping her hand. "Now that we're out of my mum's earshot, why are you two here?" Severus can imagine her eyes suspiciously narrowing down to slits.

"We missed you, Red" Black says tickling her side.

Lily smacks his hand away, grinning none the less, "Be serious, please."

"I am _Sirius_ ", Black guffaws, and this time both Lily and Lupin hit him on his head.

"Checking if I'm still alive and kicking?" Lily says, miserably trying to mask the gravity of the situation with a stupid grin and poking their shoulders. There is an uncomfortable pause. "It's alright, you guys aren't the only ones", she sighs. "Marlene sent me and Mary six letters each, using all the owls available to her. Alice and Frank dropped by last night. Apparently they were on a date, when they ran into a particularly smug looking Lucius Malfoy. In fact, my darling friend Snape may have stopped by as well", Lily grimaces.

 _Snape_. It feels like someone has stabbed his heart with a knife and is twisting the blade till he'll cry in pain. Every step he takes, following the trio, seems like walking barefoot with blisters. The shadows under his eyes and drooping eyelids are begging for mercy under the red and the heat of the blazing sun. She is harbouring as many people as she can in her life to remove all traces of his existence. _Snape._

"Lil, perhaps you could consider living with the McKinnons for a while? Marlene would be happy to have you and Mary, you know that." Lupin suggests.

"That's too much of an imposition, Remus" Lily waves him off, shaking her head.

"Imposition?" Black shrieks "Do you think me permanently living with the Potters is an imposition as well?" There's a slight resentment in his voice.

"You live with the Potters?" Lily inquires, biting her lip. She's afraid she may have unknowingly hurt Black. As if the menace could ever care about being a burden on anyone. Lupin rushes to Lily's rescue.

"Don't be daft Padfoot. They consider you their second son. For Merlin's sake, your name is in their will." He placates Black.

"So is your's" Black says sheepishly.

"I never said I'm not their family."

"That's generous" Lily comments wide eyed.

Lupin and Black chuckle. "Prongs' parents are like that. They try to show their love in every possible way. As compared to most pure bloods, their family is quite small; They are always willing to welcome more people." Lupin shrugs.

And once again she is surrounded by people speaking of how magnanimous Potter is, when really he is a privileged brat who has accepted some charity cases as friends. He wonders if Lily has spoken to Potter again since the other night. She is about to answer Severus' question.

"Did Potter say anything to either of you?" She is eyeing the two boys warily, searching for any glimpse of suspicion.

"About?" Lupin prods.

"About what happened after - " Her voice breaks. She visibly swallows, avoiding both their gaze. "You know, after the incident by the lake."

Lupin and Black exchange puzzled glances.

Lily judges their expressions. "Never mind", she says quickly. "Forget what I said. And please don't tell him I asked," she pleads. The boys simply nod.

"We are deviating from the subject. It's not safe for you to be here Lily. You're all alone and unprotected. It's - "

"I'm not going anywhere," Lily says firmly.

The boys look like they want to protest, but she shakes her head and smiles at them.

"I hardly get to spend a quarter of the year with my family. I'm not letting the fear of some psychotic murderers take that away from me. They are everywhere, and therefore I'm not safe anywhere. Besides, sheltering a muggleborn in their home, would draw attention to the McKinnons, I can't do that to them."

For once in his life, Severus whole heartedly agrees with Black and Lupin. Why does she have to be so stubborn?

"Ha! There are three aurors living in that house", Black snorts. "Being safe and not drawing attention isn't exactly their style. What's your next stupid reason?"

Lily frowns, but decides against berating him. "There is also the fact that the death eaters may target the families of muggleborns. I'm sure they loathe the people who managed to bring _filth_ in this world. If I'm not around, who will protect my parents?"

"Lily, we can put protective enchantments around your house. The Death Eaters will never know where your parents stay," Lupin says confidently.

The confidence is rather ironic, though, considering Severus has practically been shadowing them for a mile, listening to every word, and not one of them has noticed yet.

"I doubt that'll help", Lily says, with a humorless smirk on her face. "Snape knows my family's routine at the back of his hand. He knows a lot about us. He could have us dead in minutes."

The knife that was injected in his heart, is now slicing his heart apart. She thinks he'll want her dead? She actually believes she is in danger from him. After all these years of trust and companionship, she thinks of his presence in her life as toxic? All these years, he has only loved her, and somehow she has decided he hates her enough to have her killed. There is a stunned silence amongst the small group.

"Lil, I don't think Snape can go as far as - " Lupin begins hesitantly, but Lily snaps at him.

"You don't think, huh? Well what do you even know Remus? The reason I always defended him against all of you was that I believed there was light inside of him. I believed he was good, and in times like these, when we can trust only a few, we should keep our friends as close as we can. And now, I feel like I - " Lily is on the verge of sobbing, when Black stops dead in his tracks and faces her.

"Hold on a minute!" He almost shouts, bracing both his arms on her shoulder. He is scanning her with reproachful eyes "Are you telling me, that that slimy git has given you trust issues?"

Lily rolls her eyes, she has some how managed to contain her tears, but she's avoiding Black's gaze. His face hardens, his grey eyes smouldering with something Severus cannot quite pin point. Lupin's face is a bit softer, almost sympathetic.

"Lil, I know betrayal is hard to get over. But all your other friends love you and want you. Most of us believe that your magical prowess is superior to our's. You have to know that. Nobody thinks any less of you." Lupin squeezes her shoulders, but Lily isn't relenting.

"Evans, it isn't right to punish and isolate your true friends because of that blighter. They don't deserve that," Black says sternly.

Lily let's out a small laugh. "Merlin, maybe I didn't correctly word my thoughts. I know I have good friends. But Snape introduced me to the wizarding world. He was my first friend after Petunia. And now I'm making my peace with the possibility of him having my blood on his hands. Aren't I allowed to be a little bitter?"

Lupin looks aghast, but Black bursts out laughing. Lily is talking about broken bonds and death, and this bloke is laughing. Bella is right, Sirius Black was born insane.

"I like this sardonic version of you, Red." He says, ruffling her hair. In response, Lily also giggles.

Lupin sighs, and gives her safety one last shot - "Can you at least promise me one thing?"

"What?"

"If you feel the slightest bit suspicious of anything around you, you will immediately floo your arse to Potter Manor."

Lily and Black giggle at Lupin's uncharacteristically crude vocabulary.

"If I say yes, can we stop discussing the death eaters, my possible murder, Severus Snape and instead go get some ice cream?"

Lupin nods, while Black lets out another choked laugh at her bluntness.

"Then yes." Lily claps them both on the back, and they start walking.

Severus stops trailing them. If he has to hear his name roll out of her lips with such disgust and hate even once more, he is sure he will crumple and break. She is erasing every piece of him from her memory, and yet all he can think about, is her. It was a mistake made in one insignificant, miscalculated, negligent, feckless, miniscule moment, but the punishment seems to be an eternity. The blood is thrumming loudly in his head, as the burden of his loss weighs him down, countless memories flood his mind making his head spin.

It was that look in her eye, after the _incident by the lake_ , as she put it. He recalls the first time she met Tobias Snape, Severus' father. After hearing numerous stories of how he had abused Severus, and beat him up, she couldn't bring herself to be polite. She looked at his father like she couldn't imagine anyone more evil than him, like if it were up to her, she would make sure he wouldn't see Severus again. There was a combination of hate, anger, resentment, hostility, and reproach smouldering in her emerald green eyes, standing out from her plump cheeks and tiny eleven year-old body. Severus had felt utterly loved and protected in that moment. That was the moment, he knew she cared for him, she was his safe haven.

And then, right after she recovered from the shock of him calling her a mudblood, her gaze had pierced him with the same combination of hate, anger, resentment, hostility and reproach.

In all their years of wrangling, she had never looked at Potter like that. She had never harboured so much disdain for Potter. And her voice, oozing with hate, when she took his name, has left him defeated, shattered, crestfallen and inconsolable.

Acceptance

The third attack is a welcome break for all aurors and officials after the havoc created in the past two days. The Muggle Studies Professor at Beauxbaton Academy of Magic is kidnapped in the the morning and murdered by evening. The Death Eaters have set foot in the Institutes of Education. At every nook and corner, there are whispers about parents not letting their children join school for the upcoming term. Questions are raised on the adequacy of the protection provided by schools.

The fourth attack makes International news. The muggleborn seeker of the Holyhead Harpies, Batista Hewlett is killed after her team's friendly match against Puddlemore United. Her body is found on her broomstick, levitated in the air, in the middle of Kilbister Stadium. The Federation of International Quidditch Teams calls of the World Cup that was due to begin in August, in view of the tragedy. The Captain of the Holyhead Harpies says she would like to kill some Death Eaters with her bare hands, in her statement to the Daily Prophet.

It fares well to know one's friends, and it fares even better to know one's enemies. Lily Evans is smart enough to know that. She was right to have stayed back at her parent's house. Though, had she been so unfortunate, Severus doubts her presence would've created any difference; As it didn't for any of the others. The fifth attack hits the student of Hogwarts closer to home. Seven Hogwarts muggleborn students, all from different years, become orphans in a matter of hours. Mary MacDonald is among them.

Severus is staring at the letter lying on his desk. He is staring so hard that his eyes are strained, and the alphabets aren't even registering in his head as he reads it over and over again. The creases run in a random fashion all over the parchment from being crumpled into a ball and smoothed out so many times. His desk is also littered with some of the letters he had written to Lily and couldn't bring himself to send them to her. He had sent her a few letter at the beginning of the Summer, back when he was more optimistic - she had most unceremoniously burnt them without even reading them.

Tap. Tap. Thud. Thud. Thud. Ringing. Tap. Ringing. Thud. Ringing.

Someone is at the door. Severus scowls and drags his feet to the dingy, tunnel-like corridor which is a sorry excuse for a hallway. The door creaks and screams as Severus pulls it open with force to overcome the friction between the wood and rough and stoned floor.

The plight of the door is forgotten the moment he sets his eyes upon his visitor. Lily Evans is standing at his porch, her arms wound tightly around her chest, her thick red mane tied in a pony tail, and her teeth digging hard into her pink lower lip, close to drawing blood. She looks beautiful. His heart swells and threatens to burst out of his ribcage, his fingers tighten their grip around the handle of the door.

She is scared. He is sure of it. Her wider - than - usual green eyes are betraying the bravado she puts on. Is that why she is here? Has she finally understood he can protect her? He can pull enough strings to make sure she's spared. All these years he tried to explain it to her, but he isn't the best with words. Its unfortunate that it took five attacks to show her which way to go. The Dark Lord will make an exception for her. He values power over all. With such exceptional skills, Lily will definitely take his fancy. He is internally jumping on his spot. Is she coming back to him? Has she understood that no good can come from being around those Gryffindors, she'll only sink deeper in grave danger.

"Lily," he manages to croak with a smile, "come on in."

She raises a hand to stop him. Why is she hesitant about coming in? Does she feel guilty about the way she has been treating him? He doesn't mind. As far as he is concerned, all is forgotten.

"Lily," He begins to persuade her, but she shakes her head.

"This is the last time I'm here speak to you, so I want you to hear me out clearly," her tone is practiced and emotionless.

Severus gulps visibly. What? Any sentence that uses the words _last time,_ is unlikely to lead to reconciliation. "Lily, it doesn't have to be the last time. We can - "

"Mary MacDonald is sitting in my bedroom, contemplating suicide, as we speak. She has barely uttered three sentences in the last. twelve hours. So yes, this is the last time." She shouts, her infamous temper visibly coursing through her body, reddening her cheeks and hardening her eyes.

She's so scared, she probably isn't thinking clearly. But he can keep her safe. He will make sure she makes it back to school untouched. "Lily, nothing will happen to you, I assure you."

"I don't need your assurances, _Snivellus_." Her hand is itching for her wand. "I'm not oblivious. I know you've been stalking me around almost every time I step out of my house. I ignored it up until now, but not anymore." She moves one step closer to him, but it seems like she is slipping further away.

"Lily, I just want you to be safe. I won't let anything happen to you," he pleads to no avail.

"I hate you, and I hate everything you stand for. You say you want to protect me, and yet all I can think of when I see you, is destruction. Incase I wasn't clear to you that night, I want nothing to do with you. Stay away from me, stay away from my family, and stay away from my friends." And with that, underage wizarding laws be damned, she cast the silencing spell, glued his feet to the ground, and marched away.

Three hours later, the final victims are claimed. Renowned Historian, Bathilda Bagshot's entire family of twenty five is wiped out. Being away from the country on an expedition, Bathilda survives. The Bagshots, one of the oldest pure blood family names, had been actively protesting against the subtle insurgency of the Death Eaters into the Ministry of Magic.

The rusted metal wrist watch lies on top of the letter, ticking in an anti-clockwise direction. It hadn't been there when Severus had last been in the room, ten minutes ago.

Severus examines the watch, holding it between two fingers. The needles are crooked, the hour hand doesn't move at all. He doesn't know how long he has been staring when the dial begins to glows and then the light spreads steadily to the bands. He keeps his gaze fixed on the stagnant hour hand as the room around him begins to spin. He doesn't look, as his familiar surroundings disappear and are replaced by the unknown.

He clumsily stumbles and nosedives straight into the ground, his hands raking across mud. Lily's voice is echoing in his head. _Stay away from me._ He is in a forest, a forest so thick, that his surroundings are all dark. The daylight cannot break through the canopy of trees. He isn't alone. _Stay away from my family._ There are at least fifty other people around him. Some are standing in small groups, others are like him, lying on the ground, having been flung off by the portkey. Some are muttering excitedly to each other, others are quiet. _Stay away from my friends._ Some people he has known or heard of, others are unfamilar.

The definite zipping sound of apparition hushes everyone, leaving a ringing silence. Severus can feel his spine stiffen, as a snake slithers around the chalky, cadaverous feet of the new entrant. _I hate you and I hate everything you stand for._ Severus cranes his neck, not daring to move more than that. It's not an appearance one gets to see every day. The man is in his mid-fifties, but is radiating with energy. His ashen skin sticks to his frame, looking almost grey against his scorching red eyes. He has snake-like slits for nostrils, and yet they are flaring with fire, flaring enough to burn down a village.

 _You chose your way Sev, and I chose mine._

Severus supports himself on his knees, and then scrambles to his feet. _This is it._ He squares his shoulders, maintains a passive expression on his face, and for the first time, comes face to face with Lord Voldemort.


End file.
